The Internet is a Playground Page 15
Early night last night. Walked into the office talking on phone, telling client I appreciate him for saying I was the most creative and brilliant person in Australia, when the phone rang. Explained to staff that my phone is one of the new iPhones that rings while you are on a call to let you know that someone else is calling and they just haven’t heard of it yet. Because their phones are old. And I got cut off at the same time it rang. That’s the only reason I stopped talking and looked surprised.
10:30 a.m.
Finishing up the final chapters of my novel. It is now set in a post-apocalyptic future where the polar ice caps have melted, water covers the planet, and people live in floating towns.
11:00 a.m.
I have a meeting to go to in an hour and need to go shopping for something nice to wear, as my green trucker hat does not go with any of my canvas shoes. I should start my own T-shirt company because I have lots of brilliant ideas for T-shirt designs and people would be happy to pay upward of two hundred dollars per shirt if they knew I had designed it. Like Ed Hardy. Except I would have cats on mine because cats are very popular. I would sell them online, and every time someone googled my name it would come up with my T-shirt company and they would buy them. I should also make a website where people can buy my semen. Women would pay thousands for my semen. Because of my creative genes. Like one of those racehorses or a cow with award-winning udders. I would do that if I weren’t so busy.
4:30 p.m.
Have just gotten back from a four-hour meeting with a potential client in regard to designing a business card for them. I am very excited about where this could lead, as they are the eighteenth largest supplier of gravel in both the east and east-west suburbs of Adelaide. I will send them a quote in a few weeks, since they take a long time to write. I could tell they were impressed during the meeting, especially when I explained the need to incorporate cats into the design, as they continually rose, in a manner that can only be described as lengthy standing ovations, then sat down again when I kept talking. One of the female clients was very attracted to me, so I spent an hour showing her color photocopies of my Smart Roadster specs and explained what all the graphs meant. I will send her an e-mail now and tell her my last girlfriend died of cancer or something so that she knows I am available and will attach a photo of me sitting in my car. And one of me wearing jogging shorts so she knows I am athletic.
4:35 p.m.
Heading home, as I am exhausted both physically and mentally after two client meetings in as many months.
Friday
10:30 a.m.
Walked in and had an argument with the secretary. I do not see why I have to justify myself to her. It is my business and therefore my company Visa card. I do not appreciate being questioned. Obviously there has been some kind of mistake and we have been charged $29.95 per month by teenshemale.com in error. It is not her job to ring the bank and question the purchase when I told her I would take care of it even though I am extremely busy.
10:35 a.m.
Have put a password on my computer. Used a random selection of 128 numbers and characters so as to make it impossible for the secretary to guess. Will not write it down anywhere, in case she finds it.
1:30 p.m.
Completed my novel. It is without a doubt the best book ever written and will become a bestseller within weeks. This will mean that I will be very busy doing promotional tours and replying to people who have written thanking me for sharing my gift, so I will need to tell my staff that I will not be here as often to give them the creative guidance they rely on me for. This will be upsetting, but they have to understand that I owe it to my fans to do book signing tours and appear on Dancing with the Stars.
1:35 p.m.
To celebrate the completion of my novel, I invited the staff over to my place to listen to stories about me, but they all had prior plans.
2:00 p.m.
Heading home and calling it a week. It has been a very busy one and therefore productive. Next week is going to be extremely busy as I have decided to write a musical based on my life story. Probably with cats in it as cats are very popular.
Roz loves Adelaide and owns a plain
Roz Knorr, a pseudonym I will assume unless she is part Klingon, does not like Adelaide. Or perhaps it is just me. She certainly doesn’t like my writing and seems to have missed the point that there are plenty of other writers discussing sweatshop children and how man has ravaged Mother Earth. Sometimes it is nice to have a pointless distraction. We can’t spend every waking hour kissing trees and throwing paint at women wearing fur coats.
From: Roz Knorr
Date: Monday 12 October 2009 11:56 a.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Adelaide loser
Only in a backward town like Adelaide would you get dickheads who would write crap like you. You cant even write well. Thats the result of the sub standard backward schools in Adelaide. Writing about monkeys and children starving. Spend a few nights with the Salvos feeding the homeless so you can write about that and at least people will go to your site and learn something loser. Little dick typical male. Face it when it comes to Adelaide it is full of dumb backward hick arseholes that are totally devoid of social consciousness or culture.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 12 October 2009 12:38 p.m.
To: Roz Knorr
Subject: Re: Adelaide loser
Dear Roz,
Thank you for your e-mail. I apologize for the delay in replying. As you mentioned, Adelaide is a tad behind other cities in regard to not only consciousness and culture but also technology. Your e-mail was received by Adelaide’s only computer, a 386 housed in the public library powered by a duck on a treadmill, before being relayed to me by Morse code. Should you wish to contact me direct next time, my home number is dot dot dash dot dash dot dot dash.
Regards, David
From: Roz Knorr
Date: Tuesday 13 October 2009 9:18 a.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Adelaide loser
Typical coming from such backward piece of crap city like Adelaide. You just proved my point. LOL! Your reply shows what a bacwards hick you and everyone who lives in Adelaide is. I have homes in Hong Kong, Britain, Paris, USA, & Hawai, as well as Australia. I grew up in a house with 11 servants & a chaufer. And honey I have friends living in Laurel Canyon, & California who earn $400,000 a day in rock & roll. Poor Adeliade. No culture and no class. Be careful not to be a victim of a hit & run. Accidents happen all the time, so much cheaper in Adelaide. One phone call . . .
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 13 October 2009 9:51 a.m.
To: Roz Knorr
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Adelaide loser
Dear Roz,
Thank you for your concern and kind offer, but I should be fine for the moment in regard to monetary-based injuries. Recently, I set up a stall at a women’s golfing convention with a banner stating “Punch me in the head for one dollar.” I made eight hundred and thirty dollars that day. Tax-free. With the money raised, I intend to buy a bigger stall for next year’s convention.
It must be nice to own several homes all over the planet. For many years I dreamed of experiencing the culture of Paris, until I realized there would probably be a lot of French people there. They should do something about that. Contrary to your statement regarding Adelaide having no culture, though, there is actually a large and thriving artistic community here, but very little art is produced due mainly to the artists spending all their time displaying their scarves to each other and attending gallery exhibitions for the free alcohol and food, and the chance to wash their armpits in the venue’s bathroom.
Regards, David
From: Roz Knorr
Date: Tuesday 13 October 2009 2:14 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Adelaide loser
You wouldn’t know a thing about culture being from Adelaide. You are a bunch of inbred filthy convicts an
d are all a bunch of no hoppers. I won’t even quote you how much money I make from my busenesses that I have in New York, Britain or Japan.
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 13 October 2009 3:02 p.m.
To: Roz Knorr
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Adelaide loser
Dear Roz,
Actually, while Adelaide may commonly be referred to as the “murder capital of Australia” due to having more serial killers per capita than any other city in Australia, it is ironically the only Australian capital city not founded by convicts. Adelaide is also referred to as the “city of churches” due to the fact that there is a church on every corner. It is not surprising therefore that Adelaide also has a long history of child pedophilia. Another common misconception is that due to Adelaide’s high number of churches, the city must be a very religious one. In fact, the number of churches is only necessary in order to cope with the number of funerals as a result of the number of murders that take place here.
You are also mistaken in regard to Adelaide containing no hoppers. I myself regularly hop. I am, in fact, the founder of the Adelaide Hopping Club, an organization that meets each Tuesday to hop. We have so many members that it is often standing room only at the meetings. Which is obviously not a problem.
Recently, we have been planning an event in which we intend to hop nonstop from Adelaide to Sydney to raise not only awareness for the sport of hopping but also funds for a new charity we have set up called The Roz Knorr Hopping Foundation, which will provide poor people with no legs a single artificial leg and accompanying hopping instructional video inspiringly titled “Never Give Up Hop.”
Regards, David
From: Roz Knorr
Date: Wednesday 14 October 2009 11:16 a.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Adelaide loser
You wouldn’t know the first thing about charity or giving back to the community. People from Adelaide don’t do anything for the underprivileged in society. Go read Naomi Klein’s 1999 book “No Logo” and join the ant-globalist movement & start defacing corporate posters in public places with political statements, or visit a sweat shop with 7 year olds in Mexico & blog about it. Until then you are just another selfish parasite taking from this planet. Watch your back. I leave for New York in my private plain this afternoon so I don’t have any time for anymore of your pathetic hick town nonsense.
Goodbye David.
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 15 October 2009 11:55 a.m.
To: Roz Knorr
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Adelaide loser
Dear Roz,
Thank you for excellent suggestions. Unfortunately I cannot afford the airfare to Mexico and even if I did, I do not know any seven-year-olds to take. It’s a pity, as I have heard that you can get really cheap soccer balls there. Coincidentally, I too have a private plain. It is actually more of a field but, going by the number of backpackers discovered buried in the area, quite private regardless. I was sitting in the middle of it reading your correspondence regarding poorly written books and eighties political statements when I realized you raise a valid point. I organized a garage sale in which I sold my neighbor’s outdoor furniture and used the proceeds to move to Nimbin. I spent today rubbing my body with crystals, dancing to Fleetwood Mac, writing poetry about rain drops, and braiding my leg hair to form rope, which I have used to construct dream catchers to sell at the local commune shop. As the commune rejects the concept of money and accepts only happy thoughts in exchange for goods, I am writing this using my laptop powered by karma as an alternative energy source. This e-mail is being sent with an attachment of love.
Regards, David
From: Roz Knorr
Date: Friday 16 October 2009 10:41 a.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Adelaide loser
Dangerous ground loser. You do not know who you are dealing with. I know a lot of people.
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 16 October 2009 11:09 a.m.
To: Roz Knorr
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Adelaide loser
Dear Roz,
Yes, I realize you must know many people. I calculate the six real estate agents, pilot and co-pilot of your private plain, your rock and roll friends making $400,000 a day, plus the eleven servants and chauffeur makes a total of twenty-two. I am assuming the chauffeur is the person you intend to have me run over by, if not, then twenty-three. This total does not, of course, include the people you know from the Salvation Army, anti-globalist movements, sweatshop owners, the shop assistant at your local XXL Golf Pants’R’Us, or members of the K.D. Lang Fan Club.
Regards, David
From: Roz Knorr
Date: Friday 16 October 2009 2:01 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Adelaide loser
E-mail me agian and you will be sorry. Bye.
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 16 October 2009 2:07 p.m.
To: Roz Knorr
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Adelaide loser
Hello, my name is Craig, and I love dolphins
I love dolphins so much. They are so graceful, sleek, acrobatic, and wet. If I were a dolphin I would be one of those brave ones that fights sharks. I wish I were a dolphin. If I were a dolphin, I would swim alongside boats and jump out of the water to the awe of spectators, and they would feed me fish. That would be heaps easier than catching them.
I read somewhere that the dolphin in Flipper was actually several dolphins, since the dolphins kept dying. Or it might have been Skippy the kangaroo—I forget which. Either way it is very sad. Once when I was swimming, I found myself caught in a rip and was carried far out to sea. After several weeks of treading water, I became too weak and gave up hope. As I slipped from the surface and slowly sank like that guy in the movie Titanic, I was rescued by a friendly dolphin, who carried me back to his family and fed and nursed me back to health before constructing a small raft out of kelp for me on which I sailed back to shore. Ever since that day, I have devoted my life to collecting the most beautiful dolphin sculptures in the world.
Here are just a few of my favorites:
The most beautiful and magical creatures of the sea, these magnificent dolphins are captured in their wondrous movement atop the crystal waves. As if mirroring the ocean, the waves sparkle with prismatic colors and dazzling lights. I have this on the dashboard of my 4WD; people often remark on its unique beauty. At almost sixty centimeters height it does obstruct some view but is semitransparent, so I do not feel it causes any problem.
The only way you sleep through this alarm is if you do it on porpoise. Every morning I wake up to the pleasant sound of dolphin laughs, it makes me chipper, ready for the day, and aroused.
In this deliciously decorative delight, a dolphin frolics merrily amongst lacy turquoise reefs. With a charmingly crafted shell for keepsakes, this pleasing sculpture is a dolphin lover’s dream! I keep this on my desk at work and use the hanging basket to put my mobile phone in. My ringtone is a dolphin call, so every time my phone rings it is like the dolphin is singing to me. I call this dolphin Carl.
Seashell, dolphin, and coral reef night light. Simply beautiful. If I were a dolphin I would definitely live in an underwater paradise such as this. Leith and I would be the dolphins on the right and the other dolphin would be a friend dropping by. They would remark on what a beautiful home we had, and then we would eat that fish.
One of my favorites: Three marbleized dolphins form a cozy nest, awaiting the pleasant aromas, which will soon drift from the urn of this absolutely stunning oil warmer. Sometimes I light a candle, add my favorite oil, and sit watching it while listening to dolphin calls on my iPod.
A mother dolphin teaches her baby the ways of the sea on this blue-glass carved art piece with tea light holder. If I were
the mother dolphin, I would teach my baby dolphin that life has no set path but that which you choose.
Dolphin Facts
Dolphins taste like chicken. Really good chicken.
Dolphins can hold their breath for up to eight weeks but need to surface occasionally to look around, as they cannot open their eyes under water.
Singing to a dolphin will make it love you and be your friend for life.
Have you ever noticed the beauty of a baby’s smile?
Hello, my name is Barry. I am available and looking for that special woman. She has to enjoy never leaving the house, cleaning me with a damp cloth, and experiencing the beauty of a baby’s smile. I placed an ad in the singles’ columns that simply read: “Woman wanted.” I felt it would be superficial to include that she must be athletic and named Candy. I will screen them when they call.