The Internet is a Playground Page 23
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 17 September 2010 7:22 p.m.
To: Scott Redmond
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fake
Dear Scott,
As no man is an island, regardless of size, it is hardly surprising that the weight of your obsession would require hiring professional help. But your attempt to purchase the Google name would prove unsuccessful, since
I would travel back to 1988 and invent the Internet, adding a clause that Benny Hill look-a-likes with pathological disorders stemming from issues with self-confidence and self-esteem, are not allowed to use it.
This would not only foil your plan to own Google but also save people the misfortune of clicking on your blog when googling the word “beige.” Although encouragement, rather than reprimand, may be the key to persuading a slow child to stop defecating in the bath, there eventually comes a time when you just pull the plug and slap him.
Regards, David
From: Scott Redmond
Date: Friday 17 September 2010 8:36 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fake
My website isnt beige imbecile. Its a color I invented called Priceless Coral. It looks a lot better than your artsy-fartsy nonsense and is a lot better designed. Learn from someone that knows what they’re doing on the internets. Good design is about readability and great content. I’m not interested in continuing this converstation when I have already proven my point so you can fuck off now.
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 13 February 2019 12:03
To: Scott Redmond
Subject: Message from the future
Dear Scott,
This is David from the future and I am sending you good news. Due to changes in media-based stereotypes, spherical is now considered the ideal body type and Pogs is an Olympic sport. Also, priceless coral is the new black.
Regards, David
From: Scott Redmond
Date: Friday 17 September 2010 9:12 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Message from the future
I said fuck off imbecile. Don’t contact me again and if you post any of my e-mails you will have a legal suite.
From: Scott Redmond
Date: Thursday 16 September 2010 8:02 p.m.
To: Scott Redmond
Subject: Proof that David’s stuff is fake
Dear Scott,
This is Scott from the past, and I am sending you good news. It seems David has let the ball slip. His last article about george from West Virginia calling him a foggot is obviously fake because he is in Australia which is 13 hours and 30 minutes ahead of West Virginia. Seeing as he would use his local time in his e-mails, this would mean George would be awake and writing e-mails at 5:21 a.m., 8:38 a.m., 11:48 p.m., and 1:32 a.m. unless he too has a time machine. You should e-mail him this fact.
Also, you are awesome and girls think you are hot.
Scott
Hello, my name is John, and I ride a bicycle
My bicycle has a titanium composite alloy such as NASA uses on the space shuttle, and it has Shimano gears, which are the best. People often say to me, “That’s a nice bicycle, John,” and I reply, “Yes, it is made out of a titanium composite alloy such as NASA uses on the space shuttle, and it has Shimano gears, which are the best.”
Every day, I ride my bicycle to the local cafe to meet other people who ride bicycles, and we drink coffee and talk about bicycles.
Riding a bicycle has many advantages. As you do not have to register bicycles or obey any road rules, I am currently constructing a four-person family bicycle that consists of two bicycles welded together with four armchairs in between. Due to the extra weight, I have added an engine and am devising a roof, doors, and storage area at the back, allowing us to ride in all weather conditions and take it shopping.
Correct bicycling speed and position.
Sometimes when I am riding my bicycle I feel like I am the only person on the road. If I have my earphones in and the iPod turned up really loud, I cannot hear the car horns and people yelling, “Get off the fucking road!” Little compares to the exhilaration of listening to Queen’s “Bicycle” while riding in the center of a lane at half the speed limit with several hundred cars banked up behind me during peak hour traffic. Riding a bicycle is also an excellent way to quickly go downhill.
I am often asked why my Spandex® bicycle riding costume features eight hundred and thirty corporate sponsorship logos even though I do not actually have a sponsor. The reason for this is simple. For every thirty male bicycle riders, there is one female bicycle rider and, as in nature, where the most adorned peacock gets the peahen, the male bicycle rider with the most brightly colored Spandex® and most corporate sponsorship logos gets to mate with her.
Road safety is an important component, and basic precaution needs to be undertaken. Once when I was riding my bicycle at great speed, I developed speed wobble and was thrown, rolling several times and sliding several meters, toward a busy intersection. I was lucky enough not to enter the flow of traffic thanks only to friction. As bicycles do not come with safety airbags, I now carry an inflatable raft and pump with me at all times. A lot of people choose not to ride a bicycle because they are too embarrassed to wear a crash helmet, but by painting the helmet light brown, it can easily be disguised as a large mushroom.
Things that are almost as good as riding my bicycle: 1. Looking at my bicycle
2. Talking about my bicycle
3. Watching television programs that feature people riding bicycles
4. Cheese
Hello, my name is Josh, and I live in New Zealand
New Zealand is the most beautiful country in the whole world, and one day I will be king of it, because my mum says that people with red hair are descended from royalty.
I live in Wellington, the capital of New Zealand. It is the best village in the whole world and a thriving metropolis with seventy-four residents. When I grow up I want to drive the village car. My plan is to drive to the neighboring village in the middle of the night and steal their fire. The residents of Wellington will probably build a mud statue in my honor like they did for my uncle Robert when he caught a pig.
Every day I play the national sport of “throw a stick,” where you throw a stick. It is so much fun, and often I will spend the entire day throwing a stick. Each night when I climb into bed, I practice by throwing twigs across the room in preparation for the next day’s game of throw a stick. When I am not playing throw a stick, I play a game called “Find where the stick went.”
My auntie, who is also my second cousin and the village prostitute, pays me two shells, the New Zealand currency, to sit on her porch and watch out for uncle Robert. I have a lot of shells, and I keep them on the beach. My uncle Robert—who is also my nephew, the official village pig catcher, and head of New Zealand tourism (famous for the catch phrase: “At least it’s not Adelaide”)—has initiated several projects aimed at increasing tourism to New Zealand. These include an annual four-day “Look at the Sheep” festival, sheep rides, a “famous sheep through history” exhibition, and a guided tour in the village car to view local highlights such as sheep.
If I were a sheep, I would write something in the dirt with a stick, becoming famous and the subject of much scientific and media interest. I would be rich and buy a Porsche.
Every seventy-four days, when it is my turn to wear the village shoes, I go hiking through the sheep paddocks, enjoying the feeling of not having sheep droppings between my toes, then climb a hill to sit at the top, singing. My favorite song is called “Kahadanhibrakahana,” which, roughly translated from Maori, means “I am sitting on a hill.” As I share a bedroom with seventeen siblings, this solitude is something I look forward to. Sometimes I play throw a stick, but usually I just masturbate.
Bees are attracted to yellow—it is a scientific fact
A few months
back, while I was meant to be working, I filled out a company’s online contact form by instead listing my household furniture and asking what they would give me for it all as trade-in on a R 1200 GS motorcycle. Several years ago, I did some work for a guy named Andrew, who drove to work in a brand-new, bright yellow convertible one day. I think it was a Renault. I told him that it is a scientific fact that bees are attracted to yellow. Being highly allergic to bees, he then refused to drive with the top down, claiming that bees did actually seem to congregate around his car. He would not even drive with the windows down. I think the bees may have simply smelled his fear and approached out of curiosity, as I had made the scientific fact up. I also sold him a computer, stating that it had twice the amount of megatron as other available systems.
From: Peter Conner
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 9:17 a.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: R 1200 GS
Hello David,
Thank you for your recent enquiry regarding pricing of the R 1200 GS Motorcycle. We do not accept household furniture as trade ins on vehicles and would reccomend you sell them privately. The R 1200 GS has a list price of $25,470. Please note that this excludes Dealer delivery and ORC and is GST inclusive. I welcome you to contact me personally to arrange a test ride at a time that would suit you.
Sincerely, Peter Conner
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 10:03 a.m.
To: Peter Conner
Subject: Re: R 1200 GS
Dear Peter,
Thank you for responding to the online request I filled out several months ago and your kind offer to allow me to test ride the product before paying what is essentially five times the value of my car. If you could confirm for me that the model is available in desert yellow, I would be very interested.
Regards, David
From: Peter Conner
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 10:22 a.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: R 1200 GS colors available
Hello David,
Yes the R 1200 GS is available in desert yellow. We have a desert yellow demo model on the showroom floor at the moment if you would like to come in to view and arrange a test ride at that time.
Sincerely, Peter Conner
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 10:48 a.m.
To: Peter Conner
Subject: Re: R 1200 GS colors available
Dear Peter,
I have just been informed that bees are attracted to yellow vehicles. Apparently, a few years back, a guy I know purchased a bright yellow convertible and was unable to drive it with the top down due to constantly being surrounded by bees. Do you know if this is a scientific fact? I am allergic to bees, and the last thing I want is to be stung in the eye while I am doing 240 kilometers per hour on the freeway during the test ride. Also, do you know if there are airtight motorcycle helmets available?
Regards, David
From: Peter Conner
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 11:09 a.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: R 1200 GS colors available
Hello David,
You would be required to follow state speed restrictions of 100kph on the Eastern Freeway during a test ride and would reccomend lower speeds than that until you have familiarized yourself with the bike. We would generally not expect people to take the demo bike on the freeway but we can discuss when you come in. I have never heard that about bees liking yellow vehicles and would think it is not true. The R 1200 GS is available in granite, black and red in addition to the yellow. Would you like to come in today and discus?
Sincerely, Peter Conner
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 2:50 p.m.
To: Peter Conner
Subject: Re: Re: Re: R 1200 GS colors available
Dear Peter,
I have been researching bees on the Internet for the last four hours at work. When I type “Do bees like yellow?” into Google, it states that there are 2,960,000 results. It will take me a while to look at that many pages, so I doubt I will make it in there today. One of the pages states that Qantas once had a yellow kangaroo as their logo, but when it was painted on the tail fin it attracted nests of bees, so the logo was changed to red in the mid fifties. This would seem to support the argument that bees are indeed attracted to yellow and contradicts what you have told me. Admittedly, though, another page states that bees are technically unable to fly due to their wings being too small for their body weight, but I have seen them doing it, so this can’t be true—somebody should check the Internet and make sure everything on there is correct. Regardless, I do not think having to dodge bees in addition to the already present dangers of learning to ride a motorbike for the first time would be very safe. Once when I was a passenger in a yellow taxi, a bee flew in and I screamed, causing the driver to swerve and hit a wheelie bin. I will continue my research and confirm that this would not be a factor before I arrange the test ride.
Regards, David
From: Peter Conner
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 3:18 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R 1200 GS colors available
When you say you are learning to ride a motorcycle, do you hold a current full motorcycle license?
Sincerely, Peter Conner
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 3:40 p.m.
To: Peter Conner
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R 1200 GS colors available
Dear Peter,
No, but how hard can it be? They are just pushbikes with engines. Part of my daily job role is to ride to collect coworkers’ lunch orders from McDonald’s. I balance the bags on my handlebars because they will not buy me a basket. I think that qualifies me for something. Often, I have to make the trip twice when McDonald’s® employees leave something out of the order. Actually, on average, every third time I go through the drive-through, they forget to include part of my order. Also the girls who work there are too attractive. This means that if I want something from my local McDonald’s® late at night, I have to shower, shave, and wear something nice before I can get a simple snack. As it takes me at least two hours to do my hair, I am practically starving by this time and therefore order twice as much food as usual. Ordering more food increases the chance of them leaving something out. Last night it was an apple pie, and that is really the only thing I like from there. It is quite obvious to me that they do this on purpose.
Once, I ordered two Big Macs (minus the beef), large fries, and an apple pie. When I got home and opened the bag, there were two happy meals in there. The toy in each was a Kim Possible figurine, which worked out well, as I gave one to my son and kept one myself. For a cartoon character, you have to admit that Kim Possible is quite attractive. I also have a thing for Lois from the television series Family Guy, so I must have a penchant for cartoon redheads, which is vaguely puzzling to me as I cannot stand redheads in real life. Nobody can. I read somewhere that redheads are more prone to allergies, and if this is a scientific fact, and includes allergies to bee stings, all redheads should be encouraged to wear bright yellow T-shirts.
Regards, David
From: Peter Conner
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 4:28 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: R 1200 GS test ride
Dear David,
I apologize but we will be unable to organize a test ride for you at this time.
Sincerely, Peter Conner
Barnesyfan67 online dating profile
Hello, my name is Joanne. My favorite pastime is practicing laughing in the mirror, but I also practice dancing so as to be prepared in case I am out and someone puts “Bat Out of Hell,” by Meat Loaf, on the stereo. I also have all the Fleetwood Mac concerts on VHS and have practiced until I have all of Stevie Nicks’s moves down pat. I dance for my mother sometimes. I was raised by my two mothers in a large commune whose ideologies included b
alance with nature, meditation, and weaving dolls out of straw. When I was nine I was traded to wandering gypsies for six onions. I graduated primary school in my late teens from School of the Air. As we did not own a CB radio, I took all my lessons by tapping Morse code onto nearby electrical wires. I have a poster of a dolphin in my bedroom and have a picture of a tiger on my quilt. I call the tiger Mishka. Sometimes I lie on my quilt and pat him and tell him about my problems. I enjoy sitting in my favorite chair at the window.