The Internet is a Playground Read online

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Dedication

  Introduction

  Overdue account chiropractors are not real doctors

  It’s like Twitter but we charge people to use it

  Statements my offspring has made

  Education should be secondary to discipline

  I wish I had a monkey, not like this one, though

  Dear neighbor, you are not invited to my party

  Simon’s guide to buying a sofa from IKEA

  Dear tenant, you are grubby and smell of smoke

  One thousand characters posting within limits

  Darryl the kind of friend Jesus would have

  Simon’s good ideas for websites

  Dear Blockbuster member, we want our DVDs back

  Hello, my name is Shannon, and I eat like a snake

  Working out with Jeff at two hundred and ten dollars per visit

  Interview with Flight Commander Thorne

  It is obviously that your a foggot

  Breakthrough medical operation brings new hope for Thomas

  Hello, my name is Scott, and I have a blog

  Lucius caught in Nigerian e-mail sex scam

  Missing Missy I was up all night in tears

  Hello, my name is Mark, and I have head lice

  Strata rules exist for the benefit of all residents

  Hello, my name is Lucius, and I’d like you to sign here, please

  Hello, my name is Jason, and I’m a good drawer

  Shannon’s color-coded coffee cleaning chart

  Simon’s step-by-step guide to camping

  Massanutten mini-golf, water slides, and bears

  Bill’s guide to everything on the Internet

  SA Police protecting society from blogs

  Cats an exciting investment opportunity

  Holly’s guide to the exciting sport of tennis

  Bob the rocket scientist

  AGL account there is no such thing as a portal

  Kaleth the Adelaide gothic

  Frogs and temporal distortion fields

  Tom’s diary a week in the life of a creative director

  Roz loves Adelaide and owns a plain

  Hello, my name is Craig, and I love dolphins

  Have you ever noticed the beauty of a baby’s smile?

  Sell me your car for cheap, as it is not a very good one

  Simon’s guide to wilderness survival

  Professional photography tips with Thomas

  Ten jobs I would rather have than mine

  Professor Thomas explains the mysteries of science

  25 minutes on Chatroulette is like a drill to the head

  Tom’s haircut rumors proven unfounded

  Mattel® Wednesday using the Magic 8-Ball to answer e-mails

  CCTV a busy day in the design studio

  Highlights of South Australia, Part 1: The Monarto Zoo

  Highlights of South Australia, Part 2: St. Kilda Swamp

  Shannon asks a favor after denying me petty cash

  Hello, my name is Lucius, and I am a straight man

  Love letters from Dick, Rove’s biggest fan

  Life-size Lucius™ free cutout doll

  Guns, baseball caps, and pickup trucks: 3 weeks in the USA

  Belly messages pretending to be a girl on the Internet

  Mr. Carganovsky extreme stuntman to the max

  Mr. Carganovsky’s lawyer writes a letter

  That Tuesday and why I was not at work

  Hello, my name is Jason, and I own a MacBook Pro

  Write me a speech and don’t be a dickhead about it

  Dear Jason a guide to fine art scanning

  Scott Dunning-Kruger effect poster boy

  Hello, my name is John, and I ride a bicycle

  Hello, my name is Josh, and I live in New Zealand

  Bees are attracted to yellow—it is a scientific fact

  Barnesyfan67 online dating profile

  Lesley the adventurous, outdoors type

  JEREMY P. TARCHER/PENGUIN

  Published by the Penguin Group

  Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA

  Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario

  M4P 2Y3, Canada (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.) Penguin Books Ltd,

  80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England Penguin Ireland, 25 St Stephen’s Green,

  Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd) Penguin Group (Australia),

  250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson

  Australia Group Pty Ltd) Penguin Books India Pvt Ltd, 11 Community Centre,

  Panchsheel Park, New Delhi–110 017, India Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive,

  Rosedale, North Shore 0632, New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd)

  Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue,

  Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

  Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  Copyright © 2009, 2011 by David Thorne

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights.

  Purchase only authorized editions.

  Published simultaneously in Canada

  Most Tarcher/Penguin books are available at special quantity discounts for bulk purchase for sales promotions, premiums, fund-raising, and educational needs. Special books or book excerpts also can be created to fit specific needs. For details, write Penguin Group (USA) Inc. Special Markets, 375 Hudson Street, New York, NY 10014.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Thorne, David, date.

  The internet is a playground / David Thorne.

  p. cm.

  eISBN : 978-1-101-51377-4

  1. Internet—Humor. 2. Electronic mail messages—Humor. 3. Practical jokes. 4. Australian wit and humor. I. Title.

  PN6231.I62T

  818'.607—dc22

  While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

  http://us.penguingroup.com

  For Seb and Holly <3

  Free Telescope.

  This page, when rolled into a tube, makes a telescope with 1:1 magnification.

  Introduction

  Thank you for purchasing this book. I apologize in advance for the fact that it contains almost no robots or explosions—or exploding robots. My favorite bit of the book is where Richard and Emmeline are shipwrecked on a tropical island and, with neither the guidance nor restrictions of society, emotional feelings and physical changes arise as they reach puberty and fall in love. Later, on page seventy-two, where Richard moves with his mother to a neighborhood in the San Fernando Valley region of Los Angeles, their new apartment’s handyman, an eccentric but kindly Okinawan immigrant, teaches Richard not only martial arts but also important life lessons, such as balancing on a boat. If I were being honest, I would admit that the flight commander article is my favorite because I wish I were an astronaut, but as that would make me sound like a geek, I won’t.

  I used to spend many hours writing stupid stories, mainly to annoy people, on social networking sites. As I
was continually banned from these places, the 27b/6 website was created as a forum that could not be touched by moderators. The site in those days got around five hundred hits per week. After posting an article concerning paying for an outstanding chiropractic bill with a bad drawing of a spider, the website effectively went viral and has enjoyed a relatively large audience since.

  The name 27b/6 is a vague homage to George Orwell, who wrote the novel 1984 while living in apartment 27b on level 6. Terry Gilliam also used this as a maintenance form name, though with a stroke not a slash, in his dystopian movie Brazil.

  Also, to answer the question I am most often asked, the e-mail articles in this collection are verbatim. Having said that, I do, on occasion, change names, unless the person has annoyed me. I also sometimes fix spelling errors, as is my prerogative, and bad grammar prior to posting. The characters in the non-e-mail articles are people who have annoyed me, work colleagues, and friends.

  Thanks go to my offspring Seb for his part in the fun; Holly, for being my favorite person on the whole planet despite her being American; and Simon, Craig, Leith, Mark, Bill, and Ross for putting up with my juvenile behavior. A big thank you also goes to the people who link to, tweet, repost, and frequent the 27b/6 website. Without them, the hit counters would be only in the double digits.

  Regards, David

  Overdue account chiropractors are not real doctors

  I read recently of a “qualified” chiropractor who has been using distance healing for quite some time, claiming he can heal you from his living room. There’s no need to visit his office—just call or write and he will do the rest. Apparently, he discovered his special chiropractic skill while he was in his car. His foot hurt, and he told it to realign itself. I did not make this up.

  From: Jane Gilles

  Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12:19 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Overdue account

  Dear David,

  Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

  Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12:37 p.m.

  To: Jane Gilles

  Subject: Re: Overdue account

  Dear Jane,

  I do not have any money, so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95, so I trust that this settles the matter.

  Regards, David

  From: Jane Gilles

  Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10:07 a.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

  Dear David,

  Thank you for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

  Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10:32 a.m.

  To: Jane Gilles

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

  Dear Jane,

  Can I have my drawing of a spider back then, please?

  Regards, David

  From: Jane Gilles

  Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11:42 a.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

  Dear David,

  You e-mailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to e-mail it back to you?

  Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11:56 a.m.

  To: Jane Gilles

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

  Dear Jane,

  Yes, please.

  Regards, David

  From: Jane Gilles

  Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12:14 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

  Attached

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09:22 a.m.

  To: Jane Gilles

  Subject: Whose spider is that?

  Dear Jane,

  Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you?

  This spider has only seven legs, and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.

  Regards, David

  From: Jane Gilles

  Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11:03 a.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?

  Dear David,

  Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the e-mail you sent me on the 8th. David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95. Please make this payment as soon as possible.

  Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11:05 a.m.

  To: Jane Gilles

  Subject: Automated Out of Office Response

  Thank you for contacting me.

  I am currently away on leave, traveling through time, and will be returning last week.

  Regards, David

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11:08 a.m.

  To: Jane Gilles

  Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

  Hello, I am back and have read through your e-mails and accept that, despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may, indeed, be the one I sent you.

  I realize with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb omission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding.

  I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.

  Regards, David

  From: Jane Gilles

  Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2:51 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

  Dear David,

  As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in leiu of money for accounts outstanding. We accept checks, bank checks, money orders and cash.

  Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.

  Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3:17 p.m.

  To: Jane Gilles

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

  I understand and will definitely make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time, and then attach such a large amount to it.

  Regards, David

  From: Jane Gilles

  Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11:18 a.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

  Attached

  It’s like Twitter but we charge people to use it

  I quite like Simon, he is like the school teacher that would pull you aside after class and list, for an hour, every bad aspect of your personality and why you will never get anywhere, while you nod and pretend to listen while thinking about how tight Sally Watts’s jeans were that day and wishing you were at home playing Choplifter on the family’s new Amstrad.

  I worked with Simon for a while at a branding agency. He was employed to bring in new clients yet somehow managed to be there for several months without bringing in a single one before leaving to pursue his own projects. The lack of new clients may possibly be attributed to his being too busy writing angry e-mails to other de Masi jones employees, such as “When I worked at Ogilvy in Hong Kong, everyone called me Mr. Edhouse and
said that I was doing a great job. Not once did the secretary there call me a wanker or have her grotty old G-strings poking out the top of her fat arse every day, making me feel ill”—which I found much more entertaining than having to do the work that maintaining new clients would have entailed.

  From: Simon Edhouse

  Date: Monday 16 November 2009 2:19 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Logo Design

  Hello David,

  I would like to catch up as I am working on a really exciting project at the moment and need a logo designed. Basically something representing peer to peer networking. I have to have something to show prospective clients this week so would you be able to pull something together in the next few days? I will also need a couple of pie charts done for a 1 page website. If deal goes ahead there will be some good money in it for you.