The Internet is a Playground
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Introduction
Overdue account chiropractors are not real doctors
It’s like Twitter but we charge people to use it
Statements my offspring has made
Education should be secondary to discipline
I wish I had a monkey, not like this one, though
Dear neighbor, you are not invited to my party
Simon’s guide to buying a sofa from IKEA
Dear tenant, you are grubby and smell of smoke
One thousand characters posting within limits
Darryl the kind of friend Jesus would have
Simon’s good ideas for websites
Dear Blockbuster member, we want our DVDs back
Hello, my name is Shannon, and I eat like a snake
Working out with Jeff at two hundred and ten dollars per visit
Interview with Flight Commander Thorne
It is obviously that your a foggot
Breakthrough medical operation brings new hope for Thomas
Hello, my name is Scott, and I have a blog
Lucius caught in Nigerian e-mail sex scam
Missing Missy I was up all night in tears
Hello, my name is Mark, and I have head lice
Strata rules exist for the benefit of all residents
Hello, my name is Lucius, and I’d like you to sign here, please
Hello, my name is Jason, and I’m a good drawer
Shannon’s color-coded coffee cleaning chart
Simon’s step-by-step guide to camping
Massanutten mini-golf, water slides, and bears
Bill’s guide to everything on the Internet
SA Police protecting society from blogs
Cats an exciting investment opportunity
Holly’s guide to the exciting sport of tennis
Bob the rocket scientist
AGL account there is no such thing as a portal
Kaleth the Adelaide gothic
Frogs and temporal distortion fields
Tom’s diary a week in the life of a creative director
Roz loves Adelaide and owns a plain
Hello, my name is Craig, and I love dolphins
Have you ever noticed the beauty of a baby’s smile?
Sell me your car for cheap, as it is not a very good one
Simon’s guide to wilderness survival
Professional photography tips with Thomas
Ten jobs I would rather have than mine
Professor Thomas explains the mysteries of science
25 minutes on Chatroulette is like a drill to the head
Tom’s haircut rumors proven unfounded
Mattel® Wednesday using the Magic 8-Ball to answer e-mails
CCTV a busy day in the design studio
Highlights of South Australia, Part 1: The Monarto Zoo
Highlights of South Australia, Part 2: St. Kilda Swamp
Shannon asks a favor after denying me petty cash
Hello, my name is Lucius, and I am a straight man
Love letters from Dick, Rove’s biggest fan
Life-size Lucius™ free cutout doll
Guns, baseball caps, and pickup trucks: 3 weeks in the USA
Belly messages pretending to be a girl on the Internet
Mr. Carganovsky extreme stuntman to the max
Mr. Carganovsky’s lawyer writes a letter
That Tuesday and why I was not at work
Hello, my name is Jason, and I own a MacBook Pro
Write me a speech and don’t be a dickhead about it
Dear Jason a guide to fine art scanning
Scott Dunning-Kruger effect poster boy
Hello, my name is John, and I ride a bicycle
Hello, my name is Josh, and I live in New Zealand
Bees are attracted to yellow—it is a scientific fact
Barnesyfan67 online dating profile
Lesley the adventurous, outdoors type
JEREMY P. TARCHER/PENGUIN
Published by the Penguin Group
Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA
Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario
M4P 2Y3, Canada (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.) Penguin Books Ltd,
80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England Penguin Ireland, 25 St Stephen’s Green,
Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd) Penguin Group (Australia),
250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson
Australia Group Pty Ltd) Penguin Books India Pvt Ltd, 11 Community Centre,
Panchsheel Park, New Delhi–110 017, India Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive,
Rosedale, North Shore 0632, New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd)
Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue,
Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa
Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England
Copyright © 2009, 2011 by David Thorne
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights.
Purchase only authorized editions.
Published simultaneously in Canada
Most Tarcher/Penguin books are available at special quantity discounts for bulk purchase for sales promotions, premiums, fund-raising, and educational needs. Special books or book excerpts also can be created to fit specific needs. For details, write Penguin Group (USA) Inc. Special Markets, 375 Hudson Street, New York, NY 10014.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Thorne, David, date.
The internet is a playground / David Thorne.
p. cm.
eISBN : 978-1-101-51377-4
1. Internet—Humor. 2. Electronic mail messages—Humor. 3. Practical jokes. 4. Australian wit and humor. I. Title.
PN6231.I62T
818'.607—dc22
While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.
http://us.penguingroup.com
For Seb and Holly <3
Free Telescope.
This page, when rolled into a tube, makes a telescope with 1:1 magnification.
Introduction
Thank you for purchasing this book. I apologize in advance for the fact that it contains almost no robots or explosions—or exploding robots. My favorite bit of the book is where Richard and Emmeline are shipwrecked on a tropical island and, with neither the guidance nor restrictions of society, emotional feelings and physical changes arise as they reach puberty and fall in love. Later, on page seventy-two, where Richard moves with his mother to a neighborhood in the San Fernando Valley region of Los Angeles, their new apartment’s handyman, an eccentric but kindly Okinawan immigrant, teaches Richard not only martial arts but also important life lessons, such as balancing on a boat. If I were being honest, I would admit that the flight commander article is my favorite because I wish I were an astronaut, but as that would make me sound like a geek, I won’t.
I used to spend many hours writing stupid stories, mainly to annoy people, on social networking sites. As I
was continually banned from these places, the 27b/6 website was created as a forum that could not be touched by moderators. The site in those days got around five hundred hits per week. After posting an article concerning paying for an outstanding chiropractic bill with a bad drawing of a spider, the website effectively went viral and has enjoyed a relatively large audience since.
The name 27b/6 is a vague homage to George Orwell, who wrote the novel 1984 while living in apartment 27b on level 6. Terry Gilliam also used this as a maintenance form name, though with a stroke not a slash, in his dystopian movie Brazil.
Also, to answer the question I am most often asked, the e-mail articles in this collection are verbatim. Having said that, I do, on occasion, change names, unless the person has annoyed me. I also sometimes fix spelling errors, as is my prerogative, and bad grammar prior to posting. The characters in the non-e-mail articles are people who have annoyed me, work colleagues, and friends.
Thanks go to my offspring Seb for his part in the fun; Holly, for being my favorite person on the whole planet despite her being American; and Simon, Craig, Leith, Mark, Bill, and Ross for putting up with my juvenile behavior. A big thank you also goes to the people who link to, tweet, repost, and frequent the 27b/6 website. Without them, the hit counters would be only in the double digits.
Regards, David
Overdue account chiropractors are not real doctors
I read recently of a “qualified” chiropractor who has been using distance healing for quite some time, claiming he can heal you from his living room. There’s no need to visit his office—just call or write and he will do the rest. Apparently, he discovered his special chiropractic skill while he was in his car. His foot hurt, and he told it to realign itself. I did not make this up.
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12:19 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account
Dear David,
Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12:37 p.m.
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account
Dear Jane,
I do not have any money, so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95, so I trust that this settles the matter.
Regards, David
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10:07 a.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account
Dear David,
Thank you for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10:32 a.m.
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account
Dear Jane,
Can I have my drawing of a spider back then, please?
Regards, David
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11:42 a.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account
Dear David,
You e-mailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to e-mail it back to you?
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11:56 a.m.
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account
Dear Jane,
Yes, please.
Regards, David
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12:14 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account
Attached
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09:22 a.m.
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Whose spider is that?
Dear Jane,
Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you?
This spider has only seven legs, and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.
Regards, David
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11:03 a.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?
Dear David,
Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the e-mail you sent me on the 8th. David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95. Please make this payment as soon as possible.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11:05 a.m.
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Automated Out of Office Response
Thank you for contacting me.
I am currently away on leave, traveling through time, and will be returning last week.
Regards, David
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11:08 a.m.
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?
Hello, I am back and have read through your e-mails and accept that, despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may, indeed, be the one I sent you.
I realize with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb omission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding.
I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.
Regards, David
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2:51 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?
Dear David,
As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in leiu of money for accounts outstanding. We accept checks, bank checks, money orders and cash.
Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3:17 p.m.
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?
I understand and will definitely make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time, and then attach such a large amount to it.
Regards, David
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11:18 a.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?
Attached
It’s like Twitter but we charge people to use it
I quite like Simon, he is like the school teacher that would pull you aside after class and list, for an hour, every bad aspect of your personality and why you will never get anywhere, while you nod and pretend to listen while thinking about how tight Sally Watts’s jeans were that day and wishing you were at home playing Choplifter on the family’s new Amstrad.
I worked with Simon for a while at a branding agency. He was employed to bring in new clients yet somehow managed to be there for several months without bringing in a single one before leaving to pursue his own projects. The lack of new clients may possibly be attributed to his being too busy writing angry e-mails to other de Masi jones employees, such as “When I worked at Ogilvy in Hong Kong, everyone called me Mr. Edhouse and
said that I was doing a great job. Not once did the secretary there call me a wanker or have her grotty old G-strings poking out the top of her fat arse every day, making me feel ill”—which I found much more entertaining than having to do the work that maintaining new clients would have entailed.
From: Simon Edhouse
Date: Monday 16 November 2009 2:19 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Logo Design
Hello David,
I would like to catch up as I am working on a really exciting project at the moment and need a logo designed. Basically something representing peer to peer networking. I have to have something to show prospective clients this week so would you be able to pull something together in the next few days? I will also need a couple of pie charts done for a 1 page website. If deal goes ahead there will be some good money in it for you.