The Internet is a Playground Read online

  I read recently that the earth is not actually a sphere and is compressed at the poles and bulges at the equator, where the world spins the fastest. This means that objects at the equator are under less gravitational pull and therefore weigh less. I have calculated that I would lose almost six hundred kilograms by moving my bed ten meters closer to the equatorial line. This is a lot of effort for little outcome, but I did change position by eight centimeters today. Changing positions once a week allows mum to wipe sections of my body according to a rotation schedule. It also burns calories and is part of my regular exercise routine. In the future, there will be televisions that change channels when you blink your eyes.

  My Life Story

  I was born in a small village near a secret government-testing complex. As part of an experiment in human/pig cloning, I led a happy childhood, often seen rolling through the streets of the village. Sometimes I would also take my scooter. When I grew to manhood, I was placed inside a magnetically shielded device designed to compress my molecular structure into a singularity point using my body’s own gravitational fields. Now that I am a singularity point, I have the ability to see through all time and space.

  “The View from My Bed,” By Barry

  I have two buckets, green and blue.

  On Tuesdays a nurse comes and cleans my poo.

  My Favorite Bible story

  Once when baby Jesus was in the desert, he turned some snakes into a small hut, where he lodged for the night.

  Sell me your car for cheap, as it is not a very good one

  I quite liked my vehicle and was not overly happy about selling it. To ensure a quick sale, I advertised it for $5,200—around half its market value. Recently, I saw a used Bose Acoustimass subwoofer and speaker system, which retails for well over a grand, advertised for $200 ono. I contacted the seller, writing, “Excellent price; I will take it.” I actually paid $250 because he threw in speaker stands and I had budgeted twice that amount for a system half as good. I did not offer him $75 for it or haggle, because selling an item at a low price, for whatever reason you have, is trying enough without squirrels like Brian offering peanuts for it.

  From: Brian Lawrence

  Date: Wednesday 26 May 2010 11:04 a.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Car

  Hi I saw your ad for the car I checked redbook and its not worth much because its pretty old and they hve lots of problems with the waterpumb and stuff. can come and have a test drive now if your home. will you take $1800 cash for it?

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Wednesday 26 May 2010 11:46 a.m.

  To: Brian Lawrence

  Subject: Re: Car

  Dear Brian,

  Thank you for your enticing offer. I was moments away from swapping the vehicle for three magic beans, so your timing is impeccable.

  When I was about ten, I swapped my Standish Selecta 12 racing bike for a broken microwave oven. Planning to construct a mind control ray, I connected the innards of the dismantled microwave unit to a tape recorder (which repeated the words “Let David paint his bedroom walls black”) and plugged it into the mains. Unfortunately, the only results were being thrown across the room, receiving third-degree burns to my hands and arms, and forgetting how to do long division.

  Disheartened that there have been only eighteen inquiries for the vehicle, despite it being advertised over an hour ago, I am not only prepared to deliberate your offer but willing to throw in a pair of pants (beige, size 32L) and a four-kilo bag of squirrel food to sweeten the deal.

  Regards, David

  From: Brian Lawrence

  Date: Wednesday 26 May 2010 3.17 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Car

  ok. does the car take petrol or diesel? I can come now if your home. whats the address? what the fuck would I want squirel food or pants for?

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Wednesday 26 May 2010 4:08 p.m.

  To: Brian Lawrence

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Car

  Dear Brian,

  They are quite nice pants. Squirrel food enables you to entice squirrels into your garden. I often sit on my back deck watching them run back and forth excitedly like Ricky Lee at an all-you-can-eat buffet. I wish I were a squirrel. Sometimes I talk to them and promise that if they speak to me I will not tell anyone else that they can do so. They haven’t yet. I doubt I would be able to keep their secret, anyway, so it is probably for the best. I have named one Brian. Being an ugly squirrel, he was constantly ridiculed by the others until I tied a shiny ribbon around his neck. Now, as he passes, the squirrels point and declare, “Look at that squirrel! He must be rich or a secret agent.”

  In regard to fuel type, the vehicle runs on a special blend of 9,000-octane rocket fuel and plutonium. The tachometer reads 179,300 but has clocked several times due to the vehicle being capable of covering distances in excess of twenty thousand kilometers per second. The advantage of this is that due to relativity I always arrive several minutes before I leave. Often, if I am very late for work, I simply drive around the block a few times and arrive before anyone else. Once, when I misjudged the accelerator pedal for the brake while entering the car park, I arrived at work the previous day and helped myself finish a project. We then went for a beer together, but having nothing much to say, we went our separate ways, promising to catch up sometime but probably won’t. If truth be told, he was kind of annoying and smoked all my cigarettes.

  The address is Top of the Forest (High Ground), 100 Aker Wood East. It has a green door. You can’t miss it.

  Regards, David

  From: Brian Lawrence

  Date: Wednesday 26 May 2010 7:24 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car

  I dont give a fuck about stupid squirels. i hate squirels. is that a street address what suburb? do you want to sell the car or not? I can come and look now and the car looks white in the photo is it white or silver? do you have a cd player?

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Thursday 27 May 2010 10:06 a.m.

  To: Brian Lawrence

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car

  Dear Brian,

  The vehicle employs the same paint technology as the stealth bomber. Sometimes it appears to be white and other times as small shrubbery. This has proven quite handy during police chases, especially in garden centers. The interior boasts a myriad of colors, thanks to hand-quilted Mennonite seat covers, while the ceiling features an eighteen-by-twelve-meter medieval tapestry of some guy in armor stabbing a fat peasant for offering threepence for his horse.

  I do have a CD player; thanks for asking. And although the vehicle does not, it does feature a Rank Arena record player in the boot. As long as you do not exceed ten kilometers per hour and avoid speed bumps, the sound reproduction far surpasses that of compact disc technology. Along with the pants (beige, size 32L) and four-kilo bag of squirrel food, I will throw in the Christmas with Boney M LP and Forever & Ever by Demis Roussos, which includes the hit single “My Friend the Wind.”

  Regards, David

  From: Brian Lawrence

  Date: Thursday 27 May 2010 1:34 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car

  you can keep the squirel food and pants what have squirrels go to do with the car?I can get a black BMW for how much you want for your car. why are wasting my time? are you fucking stupid?

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Thursday 27 May 2010 1:51 p.m.

  To: Brian Lawrence

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car

  Dear Brian,

  I do apologize. I assumed from your initial offer that wasting each other’s time was the premise of our relationship. The vehicle has been sold, at the asking price, but the pants (beige, size 32L) and four-kilo bag of squirrel food are still available if you want them.

  When I was young, I had an Auntie named Phyllis who owned a glue gu
n and believed homemade presents were far superior to store-bought ones—despite her artistic level being just below that of a blind quadriplegic monkey. I once received, inside a large box with a shiny ribbon, a Christmas tree snowman ornament consisting of a foam ball with plastic hat, sequins for buttons, and face drawn on with a Bic pen. For my birthday. In February. Her presents were quietly referred to as “shit in a shiny ribbon.”

  I’m sure you will be much happier in your BMW. As you drive down the street, people will probably point and declare, “Look at that guy! He must be rich or a secret agent.”

  Regards, David

  From: Brian Lawrence

  Date: Thursday 27 May 2010 5:21 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car

  go fuck a squirel

  Simon’s guide to wilderness survival

  Hello, my name is Simon, and I have been lost thirty-six times, which makes me an expert. Once when I was lost in the desert, I survived by absorbing the moisture from the air through my skin like a frog and feeding on krill. Another time when I was lost in the Antarctic, I fashioned a snowmobile from ice, and rode to safety. I have compiled this complete guide to wilderness survival to ensure you too can survive, should you find yourself lost, in almost any environment.

  Survival Tip #1

  If you have water with you, drink it all immediately. There is a good chance you will be rescued before long, so it is pointless being dehydrated. If you do run out of water, the trick to finding more in the wilderness is to remember that water always flows downhill. Find a hill and wait at the bottom. I read somewhere that if there is no water available, you can drink your own urine, so I always take a two-liter bottle of it wherever I go just in case.

  Survival Tip #2

  Do not eat the bright purple mushrooms. Once while lost, I found and ate some bright purple mushrooms, figuring such a friendly color could not possibly be dangerous. A short time later, a beetle and I discussed the differences between the director’s cut of Blade Runner and the cinematic release. Always remember that bark is an excellent source of nutrition and can be prepared simply by marinating overnight and cooking for twenty minutes in a preheated oven at 240 degrees Celsius.

  Things that should not be eaten:Bright purple mushrooms

  Rocks

  Cha-Chi’s Mexican Restaurant food

  Wasps

  Survival Tip #3

  Building yourself a shelter is an integral part of survival. A small bungalow or cottage will be sufficient unless you have a lot of furniture. Always remember that when tiling a roof, it is important to use a rope and harness to avoid falling. If you do fall, land horizontally with your arms and legs stretched out to maximize surface area. Always check with your local council on required permits prior to building. Protect yourself from hungry animals by fortifying your shelter. A wall of no less than two meters with a lockable gate should be sufficient. Always build your wall out of noncombustible materials, as wild animals will often attempt to gain access by using fire. Befriend large animals such as bears to protect you from smaller ones. A bear can easily be mollified if you run toward it yelling.

  Materials that are not suitable for building shelter with:Water

  Angry words

  Live ants

  Survival Tip #4

  Building a fire without the use of matches or a lighter is a simple matter. Most forest fires are caused by lightning strikes, so run a steel cable from the top of a tall tree to a pile of sticks, and then be patient. Construct your fire under a group of trees and stack large piles of leaves around the edge to serve as wind-breaks. Wolves are attracted to firelight but have a highly developed sense of smell and detest the odor of petrol, so be sure to douse the surrounding area and yourself well.

  If you do not have petrol with you and wolves enter your campsite, curling up into a small ball and making a high pitched sound like a wounded bird will confuse and deter them. If you are being attacked by a wolf, do not accidently grab a snake to fight it off with. If you have emergency flares, taping several dozen to your legs and setting them off at the same time will allow you to hover above the wolves for several seconds, safe from their snapping jaws.

  Survival Tip #5

  Having the appropriate clothing and medical equipment in preparation for any weather condition or emergency situation is the key to survival. If you are camping in a cool climate such as the Antarctic, make sure you take a scarf. Watching the movie Castaway will give you an idea of what items would be useful should you find yourself lost for several years, and comes down to personal preference. If I were Tom Hanks, I would have taken several hundred cartons of cigarettes and a suitcase of pornography.

  I read somewhere about a guy who, while camping, cut his leg, and as he was sleeping, a spider laid eggs in the wound. I would rather amputate my leg than have baby spiders hatching in it, so a surgical-grade bone saw is an essential component in any backpack. It is always better to preempt these things, so any limbs that receive cuts, scratches, or bites should be removed immediately.

  Survival Tip #6

  Find some means of alerting rescuers to your whereabouts. If you are lost in a desert, writing a large SOS in the sand with your water is an effective means of drawing attention. If you are lost in a jungle, a simple two-way radio can be constructed from kits available at any Tandy or RadioShack store. Waving your arms at passing rescue planes expends precious energy, so it is better to dig a small hole, lay in it, cover yourself with leaves to keep warm and relax while you wait for them to find you.

  Use the time you are waiting to be rescued wisely. Sort your DVD collection into alphabetical order or fix that broken tap that you have been meaning to for months but did not get around to because it would mean driving to the hardware store and buying a new rubber washer. Scrapbooking is, apparently, a fun and satisfying hobby.

  Having someone to talk to will help the time pass much more quickly. The last time I was lost and feeling lonely, I constructed company to talk to from mud. I called her Anne, and after realizing we had a lot in common, we fell in love. Sadly, she disappeared a few nights later during a rainstorm, and though I searched desperately for her throughout the wilderness for many weeks, I eventually gave up hope and sought respite from the outside world inside a dam, where I lived for eight years with my pain and a family of angry beavers.

  Survival Tip #7

  If you become bored while waiting to be rescued and decide to walk, it is helpful to have a map. As you have no way of knowing where you may become lost, a map of everywhere is required. Simply marking everywhere on the map you are not will pinpoint where you are. A simple compass can be constructed by rubbing a small round pebble up and down polyester slacks to generate static magneticity, then floating the pebble in a small pool of water. The pebble will sometimes face north.

  Keeping a collection of pebbles in your pocket is also handy for when you come to a stream, as you can use them as stepping-stones. In case of deeper rivers, it is wise to carry a collection of larger rocks in your backpack at all times. If the river is still too deep, constructing a canoe can easily be accomplished by pouring a mixture of liquid polymer and setting agents into a precast mold.

  Professional photography tips with Thomas

  Hello, my name is Thomas, and I am a professional photographer because I bought a digital camera.

  Tip 1 How to become a professional photographer

  Buy a digital camera.

  Tip 2 Tricks of the trade

  Have a look on the camera; somewhere, probably on the top or back or somewhere on the front or sides, there will be a button or dial marked “A.” This does not stand for “Automatic,” as some amateurs think, but “Awesome.” Leave it on this all the time.

  Tip 3 Photography courses

  There is no need for even a basic photography course, because once you buy a digital camera you will be a professional photographer like me. Not as good as me, though.

 
Tip 4 Lighting

  You will need some light; otherwise the photos will come out a bit too dark. Usually you can fix them in Photoshop, but some light to begin with is good.

  Tip 5 Subject matter

  Yes, it does. Don’t take photos of girls leaving the high school from your car, as the fine is $360 and a year’s probation.

  Sunset from my rooftop.

  View of city from my rooftop.

  The plant on my rooftop.

  Some people that once came to visit me on my rooftop. Or my toes—I am unsure.

  Ten jobs I would rather have than mine

  I get up after hitting the snooze button a minimum of six times. I make a coffee, then sit in the shower drinking it and smoking cigarettes until the initial agony of knowing I have to spend another day with my coworkers dissipates. I generally spend this time trying to calculate the pros and cons of just not turning up. I know they will bitch, but their opinions mean little to anyone, so sometimes I just stay in the shower for an hour and then go back to bed. If I do decide to go in, I sit in an office the size of a wardrobe and temperature of a kiln prostituting myself by spending the day making poor products look appealing so that people will be tricked into buying them. This pretty much sums up the entire design industry. Sometimes I grumble and whine out loud so that people think I am working, but I am on the Internet instead. It has lots of things on there I like. As I am possibly the laziest person I know, the design industry is the only field I can survive in. I would last less than an hour doing manual labor of any form, and I often cope on less than two hours’ sleep a night, so anything requiring alertness or intelligence is out of the question. As is anything requiring personal hygiene. This leaves either taxi driving or my boss’s position. As his job role consists only of pretending to talk on the phone, passing blame, and downloading pornography, I am more than qualified.