The Internet is a Playground Read online

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 3:22 p.m.

  To: Mark Pierce

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Hey

  My sources say no.

  From: Mark Pierce

  Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 3:49 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hey

  Are you serious? I tried lifting it a bit at a time and sliding books under it but I need heaps more books. Can you come for a quick drive now?

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 4:02 p.m.

  To: Mark Pierce

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hey

  Ask again later.

  From: Mark Pierce

  Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 4:57 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: ?

  Are you going to help me on the way back from work or not?

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 5:16 p.m.

  To: Mark Pierce

  Subject: Re: ?

  It is decidedly so.

  From: Mark Pierce

  Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 5:24 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: ?

  Good. Fuck you are annoying sometimes.

  From: Justine Murphy

  Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 8:14 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Tree frogs ppt

  Hi David, you forgot to send the attachment on your last e-mail. Can you send it again please?

  Justine

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 8:51 p.m.

  To: Justine Murphy

  Subject: Re: Tree frogs ppt

  You may rely on it.

  From: Justine Murphy

  Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 9:15 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Tree frogs ppt

  Ok. Can you resend it to me then please?

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 9:26 p.m.

  To: Justine Murphy

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Tree frogs ppt

  Without a doubt.

  From: Justine Murphy

  Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 9:44 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Tree frogs ppt

  ???? Did you attach it?

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 9:51 p.m.

  To: Justine Murphy

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Tree frogs ppt

  Don’t count on it.

  From: Justine Murphy

  Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 10:27 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: ?

  Are you fucking with me? Just attachment it ass hat.

  From: Simon

  Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 11:28 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: No Subject

  Are you online?

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 11:37 p.m.

  To: Simon

  Subject: Re: No Subject

  Concentrate and ask again.

  From: Simon

  Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 11:41 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: No Subject

  Fuck you.

  CCTV a busy day in the design studio

  9:40 a.m. Shannon arrives and looks out window.

  11:58 a.m. Shannon gets petty cash.

  12:01 p.m. Shannon “pops out to get lunch and do some things.”

  1:50 p.m. Shannon looks out window.

  3:47 p.m. Shannon looks out window.

  4:11 p.m.

  Thomas leaves for meeting with himself.

  4:12 p.m. Shannon diverts phone upstairs because she has to leave to “do some stuff.”

  Highlights of South Australia, Part 1: The Monarto Zoo

  How is it that Victoria and Queensland can even hope to compete for tourism dollars when South Australia is home to THE Montarto Zoo, featuring a theoretical plethora of wild beasts? Sitting on an ex–school bus with fifty other people as you drive through gates is exactly like being on an actual savanna in South Africa.

  Monarto Zoo is always coming up with new advertising to get people to visit. The problem is that when people do visit, they come back and tell people that there are no animals there. If I were the manager of Monarto Zoo, I would have photographic, life-size cardboard cutouts of animals placed throughout the park and drive the bus too fast for people to notice they are not real. Once word got out that Monarto “does actually have animals” and people started visiting, we could afford to replace the cardboard animals with animatronic animals.

  My offspring and I went to Monarto Zoo, thinking we could drive around the park as you see people in the movies do, having a monkey try to pull off one of our side mirrors or lions lying on the hood of our car.

  We boarded a thirty-year-old school bus, then waited forty minutes for it to fill with people. We were especially lucky to be sitting opposite a mum with a baby that had bright yellow feces leaking out from its diaper. The bus traveled for about ten minutes before stopping to open gates. This happened about twenty times before we saw what was possibly a giraffe lying down. It was too far away to tell whether it was alive, and a few children started asking if it was OK, so the bus drove on.

  The gate system is worth mentioning, as it consists of driving up to a gate and pressing a button, the gate rolls open over the space of several minutes and the bus drives through to the next gate and waits for the previous gate to close before opening the gate in front. As this happens at least seventy times, it should be added as a key highlight in promotional brochures. After another several gates, we saw a shed that apparently had a rhino in it, which was quite exciting. We then entered several gates and saw some goats. After an hour and several more gates, we returned to the center where we could buy stuffed animals made in China.

  When his grandma asked him what the best part had been, my offspring replied, “The drive home,” which I thought was pretty funny, but he wasn’t joking.

  Highlights of South Australia, Part 2: St. Kilda Swamp

  Only forty minutes’ drive from the city is one of Adelaide’s most enticing tourist attractions. For a reasonable admission fee of around twenty dollars, families can walk through a swamp along a looping boardwalk. Not all the way, of course, because the boardwalk is broken in places, but the high likelihood of the boardwalk collapsing at any moment only adds to the excitement.

  On arrival at the St. Kilda mangroves, you make your way through the Interpretive Center, where they have mud and insects displayed so that you can see them before you enter the swamp. Unfortunately, the day we went, the Interpretive Center was closed, probably due to the staff having a meeting about mud and insects. A sign informed us that they were sorry about not being there but we could enter the swamp via a side gate after leaving money in an honor tin. Though my son attempted to access the contents, it was firmly padlocked.

  Checkpoint 1

  Passing several signs warning us of snakes, we reached the boardwalk and entered the swamp. After pretending to push each other off the boardwalk into the mud for several minutes, we reached the first checkpoint. Checkpoints consist of slightly wider sections of the boardwalk, with signs explaining that the swamp contains mud and insects. There are twenty checkpoints.

  Checkpoints 2 to 8

  The mud is worth mentioning, as there were hardly any insects the day we visited. It is very deep in parts and not in others and has millions of spiky roots sticking out of it like semi-submerged hedgehogs. According to the brochure, the mud is teeming with life, but we did not see any. Interestingly enough, the brochure also mentioned that dolphins enter the swamp in search of food, but as they would require one of those ride-on boats with a big fan on the back like the dad drove in the television series Gentle Ben, this is quite unlikely. The people who wrote the brochure covered themselves,
though; each statement regarding the wide and exciting range of animals to be seen began with “Depending on weather conditions . . . ,” so they could have added tigers, polar bears, and elk to the list without any risk of litigation. We did see a dead cat, but that was not listed in the brochure.

  Checkpoints 9 to 13

  While traversing the next few checkpoints, we played a game called “What we could be doing instead?”

  Checkpoint 14

  Despite the noticeable lack of other visitors to the swamp, as we progressed to checkpoint fourteen, a father and two children approached us along the boardwalk from the opposite direction, and we gave each other sympathetic and understanding nods as we passed.

  Checkpoints 15 to 19

  We progressed through checkpoints fifteen to nineteen fairly quickly, driven on by the fact that I had left my cigarettes in the car. With only one checkpoint to go and the car in view, we came to a dead end, where the boardwalk had collapsed. Despite seriously considering jumping the five-meter gap, braving the millions of spiky roots sticking out of the mud, we were forced to turn back and retrace our journey.

  Checkpoints 19 to 1

  On the way back we pretended to push each other off the boardwalk into the mud, and since Seb was annoying me, I pushed him off the boardwalk into the mud. Due to his new sneakers being cased in twelve inches of solid black mud, he did not speak to me for the rest of the walk back, which was nice.

  Shannon asks a favor after denying me petty cash

  From: Shannon Walkley

  Date: Monday 07 June 2010 12:14 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Help

  I just got a message about static ip and I cant login to my hotmail?!?

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Monday 07 June 2010 12:26 p.m.

  To: Shannon Walkley

  Subject: Re: Help

  That message refers to static electricity. Turn off the computer, remove your shoes so that there is good contact between you and the floor, and keep both hands firmly on the keyboard for about ten minutes before turning your computer back on. This will discharge any residual static IP. Try to remain as still as possible during the process, as movement, especially while wearing synthetic clothing, will generate more. Are you wearing polyester pants today?

  From: Shannon Walkley

  Date: Monday 07 June 2010 12:32 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Help

  Im wearing jeans.

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Monday 07 June 2010 12:38 p.m.

  To: Shannon Walkley

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Help

  Then you should be fine. You may need to repeat the process two or three times to ensure full static IP discharge.

  From: Shannon Walkley

  Date: Monday 07 June 2010 12:46 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Help

  ok thanks.

  Hello, my name is Lucius, and I am a straight man

  I hope this page lets us get to know each other, and maybe we can watch football together and other stuff that friends do. But just normal stuff, because I am not a gay man.

  Star sign

  Taurus the lion king.

  Favorite color

  All of them. Every color on our planet is beautiful.

  Height

  While most females describe me as small, my height is an attribute, as I am able to hide in small spaces. And everybody loves hobbits. Lord of the Rings was a great movie; it was written by Peter Jackson, who also makes cigarettes.

  Special skills

  I am probably the best at Photoshop in the world. If there were a Jedi ranking for Photoshop skills, I would be a Jedi Master. Wiggling my mouse with the same dance-like grace of a lightsaber in the hands of a Grand Master Jedi. Like Yoda. But not as tall.

  Hobbies

  Collecting and swapping unicorn figurines on eBay. I love unicorns. I think it is very sad that we allowed them to become extinct. Man is a selfish animal sometimes. We could have shared the world with them, but we hunted them for the magical powers their horns possessed.

  If I had a unicorn I would meet it in the forest and be gentle with it until the day it trusted me enough to let me ride on its back. Once when I was out dancing, I met some guys who were going to get tattoos, so I joined them and got a unicorn on my chest. It has a rainbow-colored horn, which I was told symbolizes intelligence and beauty, so that is appropriate for me.

  Me and my best friend Aaron. Aaron has great tattoos. I was going to get a tattoo but wasn’t sure which of my designs was the best. They were all so great. Besides, having a tattoo might spoil my chances of getting signed to an international modeling career or something like that.

  Aaron giving my skin a close check for discoloration after being out in the sun. He is very sun-safety conscious and always makes sure we “slip slop slap” before going out. He’s a great friend and very caring. Nothing gay, though, because we are both straight.

  The atmosphere during Mardi Gras was amazing. The sounds and smells and colorful floats. I wanted to drive one, but they wouldn’t let me. I would have been a heap’s better driver than the guy driving it. I could go heaps faster. I met lots of new friends and had a really good time. Nothing gay, though, because I am straight and they all knew that.

  Love letters from Dick, Rove’s biggest fan

  I wrote a stupid post a while back about the television host Rove and his dead girlfriend. Basically asking why no one mentions his dead girlfriend. I also stated that I thought she got off easy: “Not tonight, dear. I have cancer.” Of all the messages I received proclaiming me to be a prick for making statements about his dead girlfriend, Dick’s were the most entertaining for me because he just kept going. Unfortunately, I have not received any correspondence from Dick for a while. I will assume he has been arrested by the beard police. This is saddening, since it seemed as though no matter what nonsense I sent him, he would reply in anger.

  From: Richard Matthews

  Date: Tuesday 6 May 2008 7:42 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Rove

  Fuck you retard wydont you shut up! he dident ask for his gilrfriend to die so use your brain to work out how you would feel and just fucken shutup!

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Tuesday 6 Nov 2007 8:04 p.m.

  To: Richard Matthews

  Subject: Re: Rove

  Dear Dick,

  Thank you for your recommendation. I am currently writing a television script that I think you would be perfect for. It features a genius of superior wit and intellect who uses his uncanny abilities to protect the innocent. Aided by his loyal pet, masturbating monkey, he endeavors to right wrongs and solve crimes. At the end of each episode he will leave us with a profound, thought provoking, and politically correct statement such as “Don’t leave your pet in the car with the windows up” or “Fuck you, retard—wydont you shut up?”

  An important part of the character development, as I see it, would be the developing relationship between yourself and the masturbating monkey. The show will be titled Monkey Dick (a combination of private dick and the pet monkey, similar to Canine Cop), and I do hope you will make yourself available for this opportunity.

  Regards, David

  From: Richard Matthews

  Date: Tuesday 6 May 2008 8:17 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Rove

  Fuck you coksucker you should be ashamed of what you wrote that was wrong ad you know it How wud you feel if you were rove? why dont you fuck off.

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Tuesday 6 May 2008 8:42 p.m.

  To: Richard Matthews

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Rove

  Dear Dick,

  You’re correct. My statements were uncalled for and unquantifiable in any manner. I apologize without reserve and ask for nothing but your understanding. I hope, in time, you can come to forgive me for su
ch contemptible statements. If I could retract my statements I would, but I do not have a time machine.

  I wish that I did have a time machine. I would take my MacBook Pro back to 1984 and visit Steve Jobs. After selling my laptop to him for millions I would return to the present. I could do this several times, as each time the present technologies would have changed. It is a flawless plan, I am sure you will agree, lacking only the availability of time/ dimension manipulation technologies.