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  From: David Thorne

  Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 9:15 a.m.

  To: Matthew Smythe

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

  Hello Matthew,

  I agree that it is not very convenient and must admit that when I first received your invitation I was perplexed that it was on a Sunday night, but who am I to judge? No, I am in apartment 3B. Our bedroom walls are touching, so when we are sleeping, our heads are only a few feet apart. If I put my ear to the wall I can hear you.

  I also agree with you that having a particular theme for your party may not be the best choice. It makes more sense to leave it open as a generic fancy dress party; that way everyone can come dressed in whatever they want. Once, I went to a party in a bear outfit, which worked out well because it was freezing, and I was the only one warm. As it won’t be cold the night of your party, I have decided to come as a ninja. I think it would be really good if you dressed as a ninja as well, and we could perform a martial arts display for the other guests. I have real swords and will bring them.

  If you need help with your costume, let me know; I have made mine by wrapping a black T-shirt around my face with a hooded jacket and cut finger holes in black socks for the gloves. I do not have any black pants so will spray paint my legs the night of. It is a little hard to breathe in the costume, so I will need you to keep the window open during the party to provide good air circulation. Actually, I just had a thought—how awesome would it be if I arrived through the window like a real ninja? We should definitely do that. I just measured the distance between our balconies, and I should be able to jump it. I once leaped across a creek that was more than five meters wide and almost made it.

  Also, you mentioned in your invitation that if there was anything I needed, to let you know. My car is going in for a service next week, and I was wondering, seeing as we are good friends now, if it would be OK to borrow yours on that day? I hate catching buses because they are full of poor people who don’t own cars.

  Regards, David

  From: Matthew Smythe

  Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 3:02 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

  WTF? No you cant borrow my car and there is no fucking 3B. I reckon you are that guy from Apartment 1. You are not coming to my house warming and you are not bringing any of your friends. What the fuck is wrong with you??? The only people invited are friends and family I told you that. It is just drinks there is no fucking fancy dress and only people i know are coming! I dont want to be rude but jesus fucking christ man.

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Sunday 14 Dec 2008 2:04 a.m.

  To: Matthew Smythe

  Subject: Party

  Hello Matthew,

  I have been away since Thursday so have not been able to check my e-mail from home. Flying back late today in time for the party and just wanted to say that we are really looking forward to it. Will probably get there around eleven or twelve, just when it starts to liven up. Simon’s girlfriend’s work function was canceled, so she can make it after all, which is good news. She will probably have a few friends with her, so they will take the minivan. Also, I have arranged a piñata.

  Regards, David

  Simon’s guide to buying a sofa from IKEA

  Hello, my name is Simon, and I love IKEA so much I want to marry it. Can you believe the prices on glass tea light holders? Seventy cents. That is fucking unbelievable. I will get ten.

  Here is my simple step-by-step guide to buying a sofa from IKEA. Some people may think that purchasing a sofa would be a simple exercise, but with determination and a little planning, you can ensure that it is a painful process.

  Step 1

  Ring David at 7:40 a.m. and ask him if he will come to IKEA with you. It is important to ring this early because David will be disoriented and agree to anything.

  Step 2

  Ring David again at 8:05 a.m. to check that he got up, because getting to IKEA early is imperative. This twenty-five minute interval will ensure that if David did get up he will be in the shower when you call. Ring David again at 9:15 a.m. to inquire where he is and ask him to get you a large latte on the way. If he declines, tell him not to be a selfish prick and remind him of the time you fed his fish while he was away six years ago.

  Step 3

  When David arrives, inform him that you are taking his car because it is bigger. This is also the time to inform him that you are buying a sofa and he will need to rent a trailer on the way. Now that David is at your place you can get ready at your leisure. As you just put the clothes you want to wear in the dryer, he will have to wait an hour anyway. Make him useful during this time by having him edit a website you are working on about Australian architecture.

  Step 4

  On the way to IKEA, complain about David’s choice in music. Demand a better selection. Make David pull over and tune his stereo to your iPod’s iTrip and play eighties dance tracks, such as “Big in Japan” by Alphaville, loud enough for cars around you to hear. Sing the chorus. If you get the words wrong, explain that’s the way they are in another version.

  Step 5

  When you get to IKEA, do not go straight to the sofa section. Follow the path IKEA has set for you to take, and stop and look at every item. Point out the price and compare each product by cross-referencing it with the IKEA catalogue. Remember to stop at each location and consult the “You are here” diagram before progressing. Inform David every two minutes of your exact location in the store by marking your journey on the IKEA map with your IKEA pencil.

  Step 6

  At the sofa section, sit on every couch and pretend you are watching television. Make David sit next to you, like a couple. Also, whenever David is more than five meters away, call out questions such as “What is the foam density of that one?” loud enough for those in a thirty-meter radius to hear. Consult with the staff about every couch. Researching sofas on the Internet before you go will enable you to discuss frame warp and fabric weave. Asking about color choices and availability will involve looking through large sample books. Consult David on each swatch.

  Step 7

  Once you have made your selection, do not leave the store. Purchase a coffee table and shelf unit and tell David that he will help you put them together when you get home. Also purchase lamps, glass tea light holders, cutlery, ice cube trays, cushions, stackable boxes, an ironing board cover, a quilt cover set, and a rug. Make David carry everything, explaining that you need your hands free to write on the IKEA product slip with your IKEA pencil.

  Step 8

  Before leaving, inform David that you would like to try the famous Swedish Meatballs at the IKEA restaurant. If he states that he will wait in the car, explain that you are shopping together, not one person shopping and the other waiting in the car. Discuss the meatballs on the drive home.

  Dear tenant, you are grubby and smell of smoke

  Peter’s profile on his company’s website declares that Peter, an assistant rental manager, enjoys cricket and coin collecting. And once swam with sharks. I am not a great fan of rental property inspections but they are preferable to rental property inspections without warning. Especially if you are not home at the time. And you haven’t cleaned since the Columbus disaster. And you have an adult movie cover left on top of the television in the bedroom. Next to drugs. One of the worst adult movies I have ever seen was called Debbie Does Dallas, which featured a lot of scenes with people wearing clothes and talking about things and, because the movie was shot in the seventies, looked as if they were wearing pants made out of hair when they finally did get naked. The worst adult movie I have ever seen was titled Marge & Me Xmas 94, which I found inside a secondhand Betamax video recorder I bought for thirty-five dollars. While it contained a lot of nudity, most of it hairless, and very little dialogue apart from Marge complaining continuously about a cramp and, at one point, the gas bill, they were both extremely overweight a
nd well into their sixties, so I could only handle an hour or so before ejecting it in disgust.

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Wednesday 30 September 2009 6:04 p.m.

  To: Peter Williams

  Subject: Inspection Report

  Dear Peter,

  Thank you for the surprise inspection and invitation to participate in the next. I appreciate your underlining the text at the bottom of the page, which I would otherwise have surely mistaken for part of the natural pattern in the paper. I was going to clean the apartment but had so many things on my to-do list that I decided to treat them all equally and draw pictures of sharks instead. I have attached one for your honest appraisal.

  Regards, David

  From: Peter Williams

  Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 9:41 a.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Inspection Report

  David

  I recommed you take this matter more seriously. You were sent notice of the inspection as part of our normal procedure. In addition to the cleaning, the light fitting in the lounge room is broken and the apartment smells of smoke.

  Peter

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 10:26 a.m.

  To: Peter Williams

  Subject: Re: Re: Inspection Report

  Dear Peter,

  The light fitting was the victim of a toy lightsaber being swung in a space too small to do the same with a cat. I dodged a leaping double-handed overhead attack, and the fitting, being fitted, didn’t. I will grab a matching replacement twelve-dollar fitting from IKEA the next time I require a tiny ironing board cover or glass tea light.

  The smell you mistook for cigarette smoke was probably just from the fog machine. Each Tuesday I hold a disco in my bedroom with strobe lighting and a special guest. Since my wardrobe door has a large mirror on it, it looks as if someone is dancing with you. I once dressed as a lady, and it was almost exactly what I imagine dancing with a real lady would be like. Unfortunately, I kept worrying about falling, hitting my head, and being found dressed that way, so she left after only a few dances and a brief kiss. You should come one night; it will be a dance spectacular. I imagine you are probably a good dancer, because you are small, and the smallest member of the Rocksteady Crew was definitely the best one.

  Regards, David

  From: Peter Williams

  Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 1:16 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

  David

  I do not appreciate being called small and being sent stupid drawings of me being eaten by a shark. The apartment is to be cleaned and reinspected in two weeks time. You cant have a fog machine or anything like that at the apartment in case the smoke damages the walls.

  Peter

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 4:02 p.m.

  To: Peter Williams

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

  Dear Peter,

  I apologize for mentioning your smallness. It must be a subject most people you know avoid. Was it the Rocksteady Crew comment or the fact that the shark was actually very small in the picture, making you, in comparison, the size of a very small fish? I have attached a revised version that you can print out, pin to your cubicle wall, look at whenever you are feeling down, and think, “That Volkswagen looks way too small for me to get into. I must be huge.”

  Regards, David

  From: Peter Williams

  Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 5:12 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

  David

  Do not send me anymore drawings. I am not joking. I am keeping a record of everything you send just so you know. If the apartment is not clean when we reinspect in two weeks time, we will consider terminating the lease as we have also had ongoing noise complaints regarding the premises.

  Peter

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 6:27 p.m.

  To: Peter Williams

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

  Dear Peter,

  Yes, I find loud music helps me relax while I clean, because the music distracts me so much that I stop cleaning. Which is relaxing. I will probably get onto it this week, though, as I do not wish to be evicted. I have developed a severe case of agoraphobia, and residing in an apartment where I can reach all four walls while standing in one spot brings me a feeling of security. Also, the daily culling of plague-proportion cockroaches gives me something to do in my spare time. I class the eighteen cans of surface spray I use per week as sporting equipment.

  I purchased one of those electronic things that plugs into the wall that is meant to scare cockroaches by sending a pulse through the apartment wiring, but while it has reduced the numbers, it seems some have evolved to feed off the electrical signal, increasing their size. I am using one as a coffee table in the lounge and two smaller ones as side tables in the bedroom. They would probably be susceptible to carbon monoxide poisoning, though, so I will try running a hose pipe from my car exhaust to the apartment, closing the windows and leaving the vehicle running overnight. It is apparently an odorless gas so should not prove an issue for my son’s Cub group sleepover.

  Also, I read somewhere once that cockroaches can survive a nuclear attack, so I have been collecting the dead ones and intend to glue several thousand to the walls thereby ensuring my survival should Cyberdyne Systems become self-aware between now and when the lease runs out.

  Regards, David

  From: Peter Williams

  Date: Friday 02 October 2009 10:18 a.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

  I am not going to waste my time reading any more of your stupid nonsense. Clean the property or we will terminate the lease—the choice is yours. Do not e-mail me again unless it is of a serious matter.

  Peter

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Friday 02 October 2009 10:36 a.m.

  To: Peter Williams

  Subject: Nom nom nom

  One thousand characters posting within limits

  Posting in Internet forums can be fun, but there is often a limit of one thousand characters per post, so every story (including punctuation, spaces, introduction, proposal, argument, and punch line) has to be within a small paragraph. Often, I write something rather insensitive to evoke an angry response. When I was just fourteen, I was given the task of drowning kittens by my girlfriend’s mother. I filled a large laundry sink with room-temperature water and held the eight kittens under. As each kitten died and sank to the bottom, it turned and rested, “snuggled” to the previous. I put them in a garbage bag and was carrying it out, when the bag moved and I heard a meow. Opening the bag, I found one kitten had survived. So I drowned it again. And that is an exact one thousand.

  Sharks

  My son wanted scuba gear for his birthday. That’s all he wanted. But I am not letting him swim off by himself to be taken for a baby seal by a great white, and I will be fucked if I am going in there with him to be taken for an old skinny seal by a great white. When I explained to him that scuba gear is only for the sea and he, being such a small human, would be taken for a baby seal by a great white, he stated that he would see them coming because of the mask, and added “Speargun” and “Knife” to his birthday list.

  Cats

  I promised to look after a friend’s cat for the week. My place has a glass atrium that goes through two levels; I have put the cat in there with enough food and water to last the week. I am looking forward to the end of the week. It is just sitting there glaring at me; it doesn’t do anything else. I can tell it would like to kill me. If I knew I could get a perfect replacement cat, I would kill this one now and replace it Friday afternoon. As we sit here glaring at each other I have already worked out several ways to kill it. The simp
lest would be to drop heavy items on it from the upstairs bedroom, although I have enough basic engineering knowledge to assume that I could build some form of spear-like projectile device from parts in the downstairs shed. If the atrium were waterproof, the most entertaining would be to flood it with water. It wouldn’t have to be that deep, just deeper than the cat is tall. I don’t know how long cats can swim, but I doubt it would be for a whole week. If it kept the swimming up for too long I could always try dropping things on it as well. I have read that drowning is one of the most peaceful ways to die, so really it would be a win-win situation for me and the cat, I think.