The Internet is a Playground Read online

  I have checked pricing at the DVD Warehouse, and the cost of replacing your lost movies with new ones is as follows:Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay $7.95

  Waterworld $4.95

  Journey to the Center of the Earth $9.95

  Logan’s Run $12.95

  I have no idea why Logan’s Run is the most expensive of the four movies, as it was definitely the worst. Have you seen it? I wouldn’t pay $12.95 for that. I would use the money to buy a good movie instead. Probably something with Steven Seagal in it. The entire premise comprised of living a utopian and carefree lifestyle with only three drawbacks—wearing seventies jumpsuits, living in what looks like a giant shopping center, and not being allowed to live past thirty.

  This would seem logical, though, as I would not want a bunch of old people hanging around complaining about their arthritis while I am trying to relax at the shopping center in my jumpsuit and trying not to think about the computer crashing.

  I was recently forced to do volunteer work at an aged care hospital. Footage of these people during Tuesday-night line dancing could be used as an advertisement for the Logan’s Run solution. The only good aspect of working there was that I halved their medication, pocketing and selling the remainder, explaining the computer listed that as their dose and they were welcome to check, knowing their abject fear of anything produced after the eighteenth century would prevent them from doing so. I also swapped my Sanyo fourteen-inch portable television for their Panasonic wide-screen plasma while they were sleeping, explaining that it had always been that way and their senility was simply playing up due to the reduced dosage of drugs.

  Regards, David

  From: Megan Roberts

  Date: Wednesday 11 November 2009 1:21 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

  Hi David

  I have not seen those movies so I don’t know what you are talking about. I prefer romantic comedies. If you have the movies we can’t rent them so we lose money and the fees are based on what we we would have made from renting them and we also have to purchase movies through our suppliers not from DVD Warehouse.

  Megan

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Wednesday 11 November 2009 3:28 p.m.

  To: Megan Roberts

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

  Dear Megan,

  I myself am also a huge fan of romantic comedies. Perhaps we could watch one together. I have a new Panasonic wide-screen plasma. My favorite romantic comedy is Fatal Instinct, although it did not contain enough robots or explosions, in my opinion, and I was therefore unable to truly identify with the main characters on a personal and emotional level. Recently, I was tricked into watching The Notebook, which was about geese. Lots of geese. It also had something to do with an old lady who conveniently lost her memory, so she could not remember being a whore throughout the entire film. I don’t recall a lot of it, because I was too busy being cross about watching it. In a utopian future society she would have been hunted down and killed at thirty.

  In regard to the late fees, I understand the amount is based on what you lose by not being able to rent the movies out. You probably had people lined up around the block waiting to rent Logan’s Run. For eighty-two dollars, though, I could have purchased six copies of it from DVD Warehouse or, as I have heard he is a bit strapped for cash, had Kevin Costner visit my house in person and re-enact key scenes from Waterworld in the bathroom.

  Regards, David

  From: Megan Roberts

  Date: Thursday 12 November 2009 3:16 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

  Hi David.

  Restocking fees are:002190382 Journey to the Center of the Earth $9.30

  003103119 Logans Run $7.90

  008629103 Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay $6.30

  000721082 Waterworld $5.70

  Total: $29.20—I have deleted your late fees and noted on the computer that the amount owed is for the replacement movies not fees.

  Kind regards, Megan

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Thursday 12 November 2009 7:42 p.m.

  To: Megan Roberts

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

  Dear Megan,

  Those prices seem reasonable. I do not want Logan’s Run but will pick up the other three when I come in next.

  Regards, David

  From: Megan Roberts

  Date: Friday 13 November 2009 12:51 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

  What? The $29.20 is the cost of the replacement DVDs for the store.

  Megan

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Friday 13 November 2009 1:15 p.m.

  To: Megan Roberts

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

  Dear Megan,

  That makes more sense. I was wondering what I was going to do with two copies of each movie.

  Regards, David

  From: Megan Roberts

  Date: Friday 13 November 2009 2:33 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

  What do you mean by 2 copies? Are you saying you found the movies?

  Megan

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Friday 13 November 2009 2:57 p.m.

  To: Megan Roberts

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

  Dear Megan,

  Yes, they were on top of my fridge the whole time. Unfortunately I have a blind spot that prevents me from seeing this area of the kitchen, as it is also where I keep my pile of unpaid bills. Last night I slept on the kitchen floor with the fridge door open because my air conditioner was broken and the temperature outside exceeded that of the center of the earth. As my fridge emits a high pitched “beep” every thirty seconds when left open, the vibrations from this caused the DVDs to wriggle forward over the span of many hours before toppling from the edge, and I awoke to find them beside me on the pillow. As you have already waived the late fees, I will drop them off tonight and we will call it even.

  Regards, David

  From: Megan Roberts

  Date: Friday 13 November 2009 3:43 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:

  DVDs

  Ok.

  Hello, my name is Shannon, and I eat like a snake

  Due to an extendable jaw and highly acidic saliva levels, I have found that consuming an orange whole and digesting it over the span of many hours, like a snake, requires almost no effort at all.

  I once ate a rock melon, but of course that took many days to digest. People sometimes assume when they see a hint of orange in my mouth that I am wearing a fashionable form of braces or afflicted with a medical condition requiring me to wear a mouthguard at all times, possibly in case of falling over during a seizure or maybe even that sleeping illness you see in movies sometimes. Of course I cannot actually move or do anything while I am digesting, but this has not affected my work, as I can still move my eyes, allowing me to look out the window and keep an eye on the petty cash tin.

  Shannon’s blanket of security.

  Due to there being no petty cash left, with which Shannon was planning to buy her lunch, Shannon initiates Operation Lunch Money with the unveiling of her new Blanket of Security System (BOSS). The petty cash protection vehicle features Internet access for downloading iTunes and windows for looking out of.

  Working out with Jeff at two hundred and ten dollars per visit

  I keep telling myself that I should get fit, but then I see people that I know and work with starting exercise routines and becoming boring, talking about “reps” and reading out the amount of calories from food wrappers as if an
ybody cares. A year after going to the gym and becoming experts on the amount of water they should drink in a day, they are just as flabby as when they started but less interesting. As I am constantly told I am too skinny, last year I paid four hundred and twenty dollars to join a gym. I attended twice: the first time for almost an hour; the second, only fifteen minutes, when it dawned on me that 1) the level of fitness of the people attending the gym was inversely proportional to the level of intelligence and 2) my instructor was not wearing anything under his Spandex bike pants and the wet semen spot would, in all probability, brush against me if I stayed there any longer.

  From: Jeff Peters

  Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10:22 a.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Membership Renewal Due

  Dear David

  This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

  All the best, Jeff Peters

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1:37 p.m.

  To: Jeff Peters

  Subject: Re: Membership Renewal Due

  Dear Jeff,

  Thank you for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by 20 percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it, so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00. Please confirm that this is correct, and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with a towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own leg warmers and headband.

  Regards, David

  From: Jeff Peters

  Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10:01 a.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

  Hello David

  How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

  Cheers, Jeff

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10:18 a.m.

  To: Jeff Peters

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

  Dear Jeff,

  Do I get free shipping with that?

  Regards, David

  From: Jeff Peters

  Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12:48 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

  Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2:26 p.m.

  To: Jeff Peters

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

  Dear Jeff,

  By the power of Grayskull, that is a lot of money, but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten-year-old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly, so I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment.

  To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days, but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect that was not going to happen; and the realization that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to “lift this,” “push that,” dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular, and I stopped attending.

  Regards, David

  From: Jeff Peters

  Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9:17 a.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

  Hello David

  Not sure how to take your e-mail, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers, and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job, then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

  Cheers, Jeff

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10:02 a.m.

  To: Jeff Peters

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

  Dear Jeff,

  Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an oversupply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn’t talk very well and collected sticks; he used to call the teacher “mum,” and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor, so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with Down’s syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex, obviously.

  Regards, David

  From: Jeff Peters

  Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10:32 a.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

  Go fuck yourself.

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11:38 a.m.

  To: Jeff Peters

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

  Dear Jeff,

  I was, at first, quite surprised at your response. One minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, and the next, insulting me. After doing a little research, however, I have learned that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your penis, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learned that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties, so this does not bode well for you and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my penis was a quarter of the size AND I had testicular cancer, I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture-based books available on the subject. When I am angry I like to listen to music by Linkin Park.

  The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and finding myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood, but this may be worth a try.

  Regards, David

  From: Jeff Peters

  Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1:04 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership

  Renewal Due

  DO NOT E-MAIL ME AGAIN

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1:15 p.m.

  To: Jeff Peters

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership

  Renewal Due

  OK.

  From: Jeff Peters

  Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1:25 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership

  Renewal Due

  Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to e-mail me again?

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1:32 p.m.

  To: Jeff Peters

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:

  Membership Renewal Due

  The middle one.

  Interview with Flight Commander Thorne

  Flight Commander Thorne has been part o
f three successful space missions, including the recent delivery of new flannels to the International Space Station.

  Thank you for joining us today and congratulations on your recent successful mission aboard Discovery. Could you explain to us what it was like to be in space?