Walk It Off, Princess Read online

  Buy Your Own Television, Derek

  I’m not close friends with Derek. He’s a friend of a friend on Facebook and I think they’re only friends because Derek’s sister repairs rips in vinyl for a reasonable price. All I really know about Derek is that he fixes washing machines for a living and has a perfectly round goatee. It looks like a hairy bagel until he opens his mouth, then it looks like a hairy bagel with severe periodontal disease.

  I visited Derek's house once. A small group of us sat in the dark watching the movie Braveheart while Derek declared, "Oooh, this is a good bit, watch this bit" every two minutes. It wasn't what I was expecting when someone had stated, "Let's drop in to Derek's house, it's on the way and he's having a party."

  On a party hosting scale of 1 to 16, pausing the battle scene in Braveheart eighty-six times because you read on the Internet that an extra's wristwatch is visible for a fraction of a second, barely rates a 2. If it wasn't for the fact that a previous employer once made me attend an Enjo Cleaning Products party at his apartment, the score would be lower.

  From: Derek Russell

  Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 2.26pm

  To: David Thorne and 26 others

  Subject: GoFundMe

  Hello all, As you may have heard, our TV died last week.

  It's no longer under warranty and will cost more to fix than replace. I shopped around and the best price I could find for a replacement is $799.99. It's the same size Sony but a newer model because they don't make ours anymore. This isn't in our budget at the moment so I set up a GoFundMe page to help with some of the cost.

  Any contribution you can make is appreciated and you're welcome to come over and watch it whenever you like.

  The link is:

  Thank you, Derek

  ............................................................................................

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 2.40pm

  To: Derek Russell

  Subject: Re: GoFundMe

  Dear Derek,

  I'm sorry to hear about your television set and understand the need for immediate replacement. Braveheart night at Derek's house won't be the same if it's just sitting around staring at the wall while you rattle a tin cup at people.

  Although you own several other television sets and GoFundMe campaigns are generally created to raise money for education and medical expenses - not page 4 of the latest Best Buy catalogue - I'm happy to help.

  GoFundMe won't accept amounts below $5 so I'll give you the money the next time I see you - possibly standing at an intersection holding a cardboard sign that reads, "New dining room suite and Jacuzzi tub needed."

  Regards, David

  ............................................................................................

  From: Derek Russell

  Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 2.52pm

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: GoFundMe

  You're not the boss of GoFundMe campaigns. I'm allowed to raise money for whatever the fuck I want.

  And for your information, we have 1 TV, not several. The Vizio in the study was stolen and the Samsung in the dining room won't fit on the Sony mount in the family room. It's a completely different kind of mount.

  Derek

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  From: David Thorne

  Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 3.43pm

  To: Derek Russell

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: GoFundMe

  Derek,

  I'm having a similar problem with the suction-cap phone mount in my car; my new phone doesn't fit and I can't afford a new vehicle so I just leave my phone at home now. I should probably just get a landline, we already have the plugs in our walls.

  As an interim measure, have you considered mirrors? Placed at the right angle in several locations throughout the home, you'll be able to view the dining room television set from the family room. It will also give you plenty of warning of burglars. They may have taken your Vizio but they will never take your Samsung.

  Regardless, I do accept you have the right to solicit money through GoFundMe for whatever purposes you choose. My astonishment at your audacity veered towards abashment and, as way of an apology, I have contributed $25.00 to your campaign. It might not show up right away because I'm on a slow Internet connection.

  In return, I ask only that you also donate to the GoFundMe campaign I have just set up:

  https://www.gofundme.com/jkwmah-buy-me-a-boat

  The money raised will be used to buy me a boat. It needs to have a bed and a bathroom because I'd like to be able to sleep on it. This will save me having to set up a GoFundMe campaign to buy a lake house to stay in when I use the boat.

  As way of incentive, if you contribute $25 or more, you'll receive a photo of me on my new boat. Contributing $50 or more gets a photo of me on my new boat without a shirt on. Contributions of $100 or more get a personal invitation to the lake to watch me on my new boat from the shore.

  Regards, David.

  ............................................................................................

  From: Derek Russell

  Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 3.56pm

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: GoFundMe

  This is why nobody likes you.

  If you don't want to help then don't help. Nobody's forcing you to and nobody asked for your opinion.

  Buy your own fucking boat.

  ............................................................................................

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 4.02pm

  To: Derek Russell

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: GoFundMe

  Buy your own television, Derek.

  Regards, David

  ............................................................................................

  From: Derek Russell

  Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 4.08pm

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: GoFundMe

  It's hardly the same thing.

  ............................................................................................

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 4.21pm

  To: Derek Russell

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: GoFundMe

  No, you have a television. I don't have any boats.

  I've read that an intrinsic sense of value is gained by saving to purchase something - and that living within your means is a path to financial security - but that won't get me a boat. Taking the ongoing costs of slip fees, maintenance, and inflatable tubes into account, I'll probably need to set up some kind of recurring payment system on GoFundMe. Can I put you down for $15 per week?

  That's less than the cost of hosting three Braveheart parties and, as a valued ongoing contributor, you'll receive a monthly subscription to David's Boat - a newsletter featuring articles, tips, and dot-to-dot puzzles about boats - and a nautically themed blanket.

  Regards, David

  ............................................................................................

  From: Derek Russell

  Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 4.33pm

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: GoFundMe

  I've removed you from my list and I'm blocking you.

  Adidas

  ............................................................................................

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 4.37pm

  To: Derek Russell

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: GoFundMe

  Derek,

  Was that sign-off a subtle hint that you're also in the market for a free pair of athletic shoes?

  Regards, David
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  From: Derek Russell

  Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 4.42pm

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: GoFundMe

  *Adios not adidas dipstick. Autocorrect changed it.

  ............................................................................................

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 4.50pm

  To: Derek Russell

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: GoFundMe

  Derek,

  Bon Voyage is the appropriate maritime phrase. As a future boat owner, I've read up on all the terminology. Looking forward to pontooning my aft during the rudder knots this summer.

  Regards, 'Captain' dipstick

  ............................................................................................

  From: Derek Russell

  Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 4.55pm

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: GoFundMe

  Looking forward to hearing you drowned.

  ............................................................................................

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 4.58pm

  To: Derek Russell

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: GoFundMe

  Derek,

  I'm capable of keeping my head above water - without imploring others to throw me a swim-noodle.

  Regards, David

  ............................................................................................

  From: Derek Russell

  Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 5.06pm

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: GoFundMe

  Blocked.

  Dot-to-Dot

  Answer: It’s a boat.

  Kenneth’s Meetings

  There’s a lot that could be said about Kenneth but none of it is interesting so I’ll keep this to one paragraph. I once slept for twenty minutes during one of his meetings and when I awoke, he was explaining the same pie chart that I’d nodded off to. I looked around the boardroom to see if anyone had noticed and two other people were asleep. Melissa, our secretary, actually had her mouth open with a line of spittle running down to the table. I poked a pen in her mouth and she gagged and woke up startled, which I found pretty amusing. I chuckled through the rest of the meeting and for an hour or two afterwards whenever I thought about it. It was the most entertaining thing that has ever happened in one of Kenneth’s meetings.

  From: Kenneth Warner

  Date: Monday 6 August 2018 10.16am

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Meeting

  David, you missed the meeting this morning. Can we reschedule that for 3pm please?

  Ken

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  From: David Thorne

  Date: Monday 6 August 2018 10.22am

  To: Kenneth Warner

  Subject: Re: Meeting

  Kenneth,

  That won’t be possible as I’ve decided not to attend any more of your meetings. They’re like boredom taking on physical form and punching you in the face until you black out.

  David

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  From: Kenneth Warner

  Date: Monday 6 August 2018 10.27am

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Meeting

  David,

  I don’t give a flying fuck what you’ve decided. I’ve rescheduled the meeting for 3pm and I expect you to be there.

  Ken

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  From: David Thorne

  Date: Monday 6 August 2018 10.41am

  To: Kenneth Warner

  Subject: Auto responder

  Thank you for your email.

  I’m currently out of the office but will reply to your email upon my return. If you require assistance during my absence, please contact Kenneth. He will be happy to arrange a meeting, as it’s all he does. Last week we had fourteen meetings. Seven of which were to discuss where we are on projects, five were to discuss why we are behind on projects, two were to discuss the importance of meeting deadlines, and one was about mouse droppings in the kitchen which turned out to be burnt rice.

  Regards, David

  ............................................................................................

  From: Kenneth Warner

  Date: Monday 6 August 2018 10.50am

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Auto responder

  I saw you close your blinds. There were a total of 9 meetings last week, not 14, and you didn’t attend 4 of them.

  We’re having a meeting at 3pm.

  Gary from Emerson is expecting an update on the pressure washer packaging and I need to know where we are with the project. Also, as you are fully aware, I prefer Ken thank you.

  Ken

  ............................................................................................

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Monday 6 August 2018 10.58am

  To: Kenneth Warner

  Subject: Emerson packaging update

  Kenneth,

  Packaging is completed pending revised copy from Ben.

  Gary signed off on the name Torrent 5000 and product decals were approved last week. You can let him know that he will receive a proof for the packaging by Wednesday.

  David

  ............................................................................................

  From: Kenneth Warner

  Date: Monday 6 August 2018 11.22am

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Emerson packaging update

  Thank you for the update but I’d still like to have a meeting at 3pm.

  Ken

  ............................................................................................

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Monday 6 August 2018 11.43am

  To: Kenneth Warner

  Subject: Re: Re: Emerson packaging update

  Kenneth,

  Of course you would. Without a meeting to schedule, attend or preside over, you shrivel like a forgotten carrot at the back of a crisper drawer.

  The fact that a two-minute email is more productive than a meeting doesn’t matter. An email doesn’t allow you to point at things and repeat what’s just been said in an irrelevant and annoying manner or provide you a captive audience for monologue from Aimless: An Evening with Kenneth.

  We also don’t get to find out what everyone did on the weekend, how much Jennifer’s bathroom is going to cost to remodel, or why Walter decided to get his hair cut a little shorter this time.

  I understand you get bored but have you considered a hobby? You’re like an old lady who walks to the post office each day to buy a single stamp so she has someone to talk to about her cat that died in 1947.

  I have two projects to be completed today and you’re up to date with the Emerson packaging, so what exactly is the point of having another meeting?

  David

  ............................................................................................

  From: Kenneth Warner

  Date: Monday 6 August 2018 12.50pm

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Update

  I don’t appreciate being called a carrot or an old lady.

  Just so you know, I intend to have a meeting with Mike and Jennifer to discuss your attitude and why you continually try to make my job harder.

  Ken

  ..
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  From: David Thorne

  Date: Monday 6 August 2018 1.13pm

  To: Kenneth Warner

  Subject: Re: Re: Update

  Kenneth,

  Nobody is trying to make your job harder. I realize you have a busy schedule of chair swiveling and pen tapping to get through. Those mines aren’t going to sweep themselves and online quizzes about what kind of donut you are won’t be accurate unless you take the time to answer each question honestly. We can’t all be pink icing with sprinkles, Kenneth, someone has to be the plain donut.