The Internet is a Playground Read online

  Dr. Hermine Bergmann is thrilled with the results. “We have been able to reduce the swelling by 85 percent, bringing his head down to the size of a small family car or large hatchback, similar to the Renault my husband recently bought me,” she said. “We have him wearing a two-person inflatable boat as a hat to avoid any further damage, but we hope to have his head down to a size where he will be able to drive his convertible with the roof up.”

  Thomas’s family is extremely pleased at the breakthrough: “I thought his head was just going to get bigger and bigger till it exploded,” said his father. “He’d come over and sit down in front of the telly, and no one could see a bloody thing past his great hairy weather balloon of a head. It was fucking incredible—you should have seen it. I would have taken photos but didn’t have a wide-angle lens.”

  Medical staff first believed it may have been simply a large tumor with a face, but this was disproven when some movement resembling motor skills was observed. “The operation was touch-and-go there for a while,” said Dr. Bergmann. “We simply did not have medical instruments designed to cut through that amount of mass; even the industrial laser brought in especially for the operation struggled to get through the eighteen meters of solid limestone, but the patient is doing well and looking forward to one day being able to wear his trucker hats again.”

  Physicists have expressed relief about the news, as it was widely considered fact among the scientific field that Thomas’s head, if allowed to expand further, would develop its own gravitational field, affecting planetary rotation.

  Hello, my name is Scott, and I have a blog

  My blog contains the wittiest stuff on the Internet. I have had over five hits on my blog during the time it has been running, and not all of those have been people I asked to go there.

  Because I am a professional blog writer, I recently upgraded my Amstrad CPC 464 to an appropriate system befitting my role. Using my wife’s credit card, I purchased fifteen mainframe computer systems but have ordered an additional twenty-five computers, as no matter how full my hard drives become, people keep putting new porn on the Internet. I have no idea how they expect me to keep up. I feel like Captain Picard commanding the Enterprise when I work, and sometimes I wear my Star Trek uniform when my wife is out. My favorite character from Star Trek is Wesley. Once during a freak storm, the electricity in our house went out and I was unable to access my hard drives for more than five hours. My testicles grew to the size of small watermelons, and I was rushed to the hospital. While I was recovering in Ward 7G, I made friends with a small boy named Ross in the bed next to me. He died from cancer the next day, so I took his Sony PSP.

  As a professional blog writer of the wittiest stuff on the Internet, I recently decided to quit my job as head assistant chef in charge of pickles at McDonald’s and focus full time on my writing career. Due to my unique creative spark and rapier sharp wit, my blog has had unprecedented success, and just this week I had another hit. Being a professional blog writer is not all Moët and chicken nuggets, though. Due to server and hosting fees, I made minus four hundred and ninety dollars last financial year, but my wife works three jobs and has a credit card, so it all balances out.

  If I had friends, they would often ask me, “Scott, what is the secret behind your Champagne-quality comedy?” and I would explain to them that it is just a gift and that some people are naturally born with an incredible creative spark while others just get to read it. Recently, I wrote about the time a bee flew in my car window and then flew back out. It was so funny, and when I posted a link to it on World of Warcraft, a level 54 dwarf wrote back saying, “Awesome man,” which made my day. Once when I was online in my dwarf clan, I met a level 41 dwarf named Cindy, and we fell in love despite her being below my status. I would send her poetry about Warcraft and she would edit it for me. As my wife works 180-hour weeks, this gave me plenty of opportunity to organize a liaison with Cindy in real life. After arranging to meet, I packed my dwarf costume and battle-ax and used my wife’s credit card to buy a bus ticket to the town Cindy lived in. As it turned out, Cindy was actually a real dwarf. And a man. We still made love so as not to waste the money I had spent, but I left feeling deceived and only partly satisfied. Why can’t people just be honest?

  Dividing my time between writing professionally on my blog and online as Scott the Invincible is not my only creative outlet. I am also a professional cartoonist. I am much better than Carl Schultz; my ideas are more clever and creative. I would describe my art as cutting edge with my ears to the street, and if you don’t get my cartoons then “Yo momma” to you, nigga. Here is one of my best cartoons, when I originally posted it my hits went up 400 percent, and all four people said that it was unlike any professional material they had ever seen before.

  The cartoon above is funny on two levels, which makes it lateral. First, I was looking at porn but said that I wasn’t, so this is like British comedy and brilliant in itself without the rest. Second, I said, “Make it so,” which is what Captain Picard says in Star Trek—and I was wearing my Star Trek uniform when I said it. Do you get it? It is probably too clever for you.

  If I could give one word of advice to anybody wanting to be a professional blog writer like me, it would be to realize that it does not matter what the subject is; the important thing is how I feel about it. Balance is also important, I find that the best ratio is to have 90 percent of the stories be about me and how I feel about things and the remaining 10 percent linking to stories about me and how I feel about things.

  Lucius caught in Nigerian e-mail sex scam

  Local captain of most teams, including the Lucius fan club, is safe after his “safari to riches” became a living nightmare. Replying to the e-mail was his first mistake. A mistake that would cost Lucius more than the amount he gave to Mr. Bandabaloobi.

  “Mr. Bandabaloobi told me he was from the Nigerian Bank,” said Lucius. “We first met when he wrote me an e-mail explaining he needed me to transfer three million dollars out of the country because a rich old guy had died and the government was going to keep the money unless I could help and for this I would receive a percentage.

  “I gave them my account details and bought a plane ticket to Nigeria to meet Mr. Bandabaloobi and sign the transfer papers.

  “Once I arrived I was beaten and taken to a small hotel room on the outskirts of town. I was stripped and kissed by dark and very hairy men. One of the men, named Carl, was very gentle and told me he loved me, but the others were rough. So very rough. I struggled and told them I was a friend of Mr. Bandabaloobi, but they tied me up and took turns kissing my

  beautiful body, touching me, and making me do things I had sometimes thought about and imagined but had never expected to really happen, because I am straight. The fact that one of the men looked like a black version of my dad kind of freaked me out, and Carl turned out to be huge, but like I said, he was very gentle and we just took things really slow. He’s cool; we have swapped e-mails since. Nothing gay, though, cause he knows I am straight.

  “Having survived the ordeal and returned home, my only regret is that I missed my meeting with Mr. Bandabaloobi and didn’t get to see any African animals like giraffes and lions and those little things that peek up really quick and look around and then pop back down really quick. They are really cool. They are like those little dogs that live on the prairie. I can’t remember what those ones are called either, but they look a little bit like otters. They don’t live in water like otters, though; they live on the prairies. No, I don’t know what a prairie is.”

  Missing Missy I was up all night in tears

  I am not a big fan of cats. I do not hate them; I just have no interest in them whatsoever. If I visit your house, I do not want to pat your cat, sit on the couch where it has been, or have you make me a sandwich after patting it. I didn’t want that sandwich, anyway. The Maxwell House coffee was bad enough, and when you smelled the milk to see if it was still OK, despite being a week past its use-by date, I saw your n
ose touch the carton. I actually rescued a cat once. I was walking across a bridge, over a river that was flooding, when I heard mewing and saw a frantic cat being pulled along. I picked up a fairly hefty branch and threw it over the rail to where the cat was. I did not see it after that, but I am pretty sure it would have climbed on and ridden the branch to safety.

  From: Shannon Walkley

  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9:15 a.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Poster

  Hi. I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.

  This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number. Thanks Shan.

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9:26 a.m.

  To: Shannon Walkley

  Subject: Re: Poster

  Dear Shannon,

  That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your e-mail and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all, what with thinking about Missy out there, cold, frightened, and alone . . . possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out, “Shannon, where are you?”

  Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.

  Regards, David

  From: Shannon Walkley

  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9:37 a.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Poster

  yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10:17 a.m.

  To: Shannon Walkley

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

  Dear Shannon,

  I never said I don’t like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small, but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short.

  As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & Coke onto his white Wham “Choose Life” T-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled, causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug, and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker, resulting in a two-inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a wet brown stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat. Attached poster as requested.

  Regards, David

  From: Shannon Walkley

  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10:24 a.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

  yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10:28 a.m.

  To: Shannon Walkley

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

  Dear Shannon,

  It’s a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.

  Regards, David

  From: Shannon Walkley

  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10:33 a.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

  Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger and fix the text please.

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10:46 a.m.

  To: Shannon Walkley

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

  Dear Shannon,

  Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don’t come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook, and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas as you are no doubt preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once, but that was just for fun.

  I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.

  Regards, David

  From: Shannon Walkley

  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10:59 a.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

  This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say lost.

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11:14 a.m.

  To: Shannon Walkley

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

  From: Shannon Walkley

  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11:21 a.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

  yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11:32 a.m.

  To: Shannon Walkley

  Subject: Awww

  Dear Shannon,

  I don’t have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend’s cat for a week, but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean feces, I wouldn’t have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently, I failed to put enough stamps on the package, and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, but people need to learn to let go. I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.

  Regards, David

  From: Shannon Walkley

  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11:47 a.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Awww

  Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11:58 a.m.

  To: Shannon Walkley

  Subject: Re: Re: Awww

  I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says, “I haven’t seen your orange cat, but I did find a black-and-white one with its hind legs run over by a car. Do you want it?” you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.

  I knew someone who had a Basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident, and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighborhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse, I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.

  Regards, David

  From: Shannon Walkley

  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12:07 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  S
ubject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

  Please just use the photo I gave you.

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12:22 p.m.

  To: Shannon Walkley

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

  From: Shannon Walkley

  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12:34 p.m.

  To: David Thorne

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

  I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.

  From: David Thorne

  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12:42 p.m.

  To: Shannon Walkley

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

  From: Shannon Walkley

  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12:51 p.m.